One Week

Wow.  It's so hard to believe it's been a whole week since our sweet Kelsey blessed us with his presence.  The days have been such a blur that I really don't even remember a lot about some of them.  I came home from the hospital on Thursday and began preparing for his service.  We had already decided we wanted a short, simple graveside service.  Right before we left the hospital, they gave us a small pine box for us to put him in when someone came to pick him up from the hospital, but I was not impressed at all with the box.  So we went to the office of the funeral home to look at what they had.  Not impressed there either...a worn-out looking white box or a small casket that looked awfully tacky with the colors they had combined together and wanted an outrageous amount of money for.  Now, I know ultimately it doesn't matter...he would never see it, and it would be put in the ground.  But this is my baby, and I wanted everything perfect.  So Dennis and I decided to keep the box from the hospital and paint it instead.  So Dennis headed home, and mom and I headed to find Kelsey an outfit (all I had were dresses :)), paint for the box, and material to fix up the inside of the box.  We took care of the outfit and the material and head to the paint section.  We had decided on a baby blue color, but I really was having trouble deciding on the exact color.  I finally picked one and walked around to the paint counter to have it mixed, when I noticed another set of color samples.  I picked one up that looked like it would be better than the one I had and almost lost my breath.  The name of the color was Sweet Baby Boy.  Just another sign that God is still by my side.  He hasn't left me.  So many times throughout this pregnancy, God has given me those little signs, from the perfect dress for KelsIE being on sale when we got to the register to Dennis and I being on the same page about practically everything to the florist actually having the daisies I wanted for the service on hand because she had just ordered them.  It has really been amazing to see just how much He cares and is watching over us...how involved He is in the little things. 

That evening, Dennis and I headed out to the shed to work on what would be the final thing we could ever provide for our baby.  Dennis sanded the box and painted two coats of the Sweet Baby Boy paint, and then I put a final coat on it.  I know it sounds crazy, but it was actually a peaceful time.  I think it really helped us to be able to do one more thing for Kelsey.  We are both very glad that is what we chose to do.  The box turned out beautiful.  Friday morning, Dennis and I took the box to my dad so he could pick Kelsey up from the hospital, and then we picked up his flowers.  We had set the time for 10:00 Friday morning, and we were almost late.  But honestly, I think walking up at the last minute was probably the best thing for us.  To have to stand around and dwell on what we were about to do I think would have just been unbearable.  Kelsey's service was beautiful.  God blessed us with a gorgeous day full of sunshine.  We had spoken with my preacher who knew we wanted a short service, so he began by reading the information about Kelsey's life, and then spoke a few words of scripture.  I don't think anyone could have picked a better verse to focus on.  "Then there were brought unto Him little children, that He should put His hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, Suffer (allow) little children, and forbid them not to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 19: 13-14  It helps my heart to know that my precious son is in the hands of the Lord.  He never knew pain or heartache.  He never knew the troubles of this world.  All he knew in this world was love.  It's those who are left behind who have the heartaches and troubles.  He is happy and content. 

After the preacher finished, we played the song "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.  I feel like this song is a part of my testimony.  I know that throughout all of this He has "held" me and never let me go. 

Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would take a child from his mother while she prayed is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be spared from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live? It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.  We want to taste it, and let the hatred numb our sorrows.  The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is want it means to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive.  This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffereing.  If this only the beginning.  Can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?

This is want it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

We are so thankful for the many friends and family that have shown us so much love and support.  Please continue to pray for us on this long road.  Dennis went back to work this week, and it's been hard being apart so soon.  I am very thankful for the couple of days that we had together after the service.  Where an experience like this might tear some people apart, our relationship has grown stronger.  He has been so strong for me, helping me keep my head and my focus instead of completely falling apart.  God knew what he was doing when he set us up working at the same place years ago :)  I am so blessed. 

I'll say goodbye for now...but not before I share the pictures I promised :)

Kelsey Nolan Keller

In Daddy's Hands...one of my favorites



Empty Arms, Broken Hearts, But so Incredibly Thankful and Blessed

As most of you know by now, I went into labor last week at 30 1/2 weeks.  Because of all of the issues we were facing, the doctor recommended not stopping labor.  She felt that this was my body's way of saying it was time...that it just couldn't take any more.  So she admitted me on Tuesday.  They kept me for a few hours, but after no more dilation, they sent me home.  But by 2 am Wednesday morning, I was having regular contractions about 11 minutes apart which then went to 6 minutes about by 2:30.  Talk about scary...that was a big jump!  So mom took me on to the hospital (Dennis was working in Jackson and hit the road to Hattiesburg.)  They got me admitted, and the wait began.  By 8 that morning, I had made it to about 4 cm so they said Kelsey (will explain the change in spelling in a minute:) ) would probably be here in 2-4 hours.  Yeah right lol  You know this baby has been stubborn this whole time...I wonder where that hardheadedness comes from :)  The doctor decided to go ahead and give me the epidural at about 8, which is probably one of the best decisions that we made.  I was able to relax and just enjoy the whole experience...especially the actual delivery.  Kelsey decided to be stubborn and take a while.  So that afternoon, the doctor suggested starting some Pitocin to speed things along.  I really didn't want to do this because I knew that as soon as the baby was born, it would quite likely mean our sweetheart would no longer be with us.  And I didn't want to rush that up at all.  Also, I knew that the Pitocin could stress the baby out with harder contractions.  But since my water had broke that morning, I knew that the baby could be stressed because of the lack of fluid and a drier birth.  So we decided to go ahead and push the Pitocin.  By 5:00 I was fully dilated and it was time to push.  At 5:25 p.m. on Wednesday, March 14, 2012, Kelsey Nolan Keller...yes HE was a BOY!!! was born.  Talk about a shock!  All this time, we'd been planning for a girl (KelsIE).  The doctor kept saying "he" and "his", so I finally asked..."Are you saying HE like, it's a boy???" And she well I'm pretty sure that's what it looks like to me!  Wow...God sure knows how to give somebody some comic relief in a really tense moment :)  I panicked for a moment because I had no boy clothes, blankets, etc and I didn't have a boy name picked out.  But mom pointed out that Kelsie/ey could be a boy or a girl's name, so we just changed the girly IE to EY.  And since we had picked Denise for the middle name, someone suggested using Dennis for the middle name.  But Daddy Dennis said he really liked his middle name of Nolan better.  So therefore Kelsey Nolan Keller was named.  Dennis held Kelsey first while they finished taking care of me, and then I got to hold my precious sweetheart.  He was so much bigger than I was expecting!  He weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces and was 14 1/4 inches long.  He had such a cute chubby face and was perfect!

Our neonatologist checked him out, and gave us the news we were afraid of getting.  Kelsey's heartbeat had been fantastic all through labor, but as soon as the cord was cut, his heartbeat dropped into the 20-30 range.  We knew we had just a few minutes with him.  As much as I didn't want to let him go, I also really wanted to share him with our family and friends.  So I passed him on to my mom and let our families hold him.  A couple of minutes later, our wonderful nurse sat beside me on the bed and told me that I should get him back because he probably only had a few minutes left.  I asked them to hand him back to me, and as I held him, our sweet angel passed from this world to be with Jesus.  It was a moment I had been so scared of, but it was so peaceful.  They said he experienced no pain, and the 19 minutes he spent with us were the most beautiful 19 minutes of my life.  Our precious baby boy spent his whole life knowing nothing but love.  I am so thankful that he made it here.  That he lived...that he will have a birth certificate...that people were there to see and meet him and validate this tiny little being who played such a huge part in this world. 

The next few minutes were spent with joy and sadness as the rest of our family and friends took turns holding Kelsey.  Then most of them filtered out as we spent time with a photographer.  There is a non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that is made up of professional photographers who volunteer their time and services to families going through situations like ours.  They take pictures for the families and then provide them with a CD of the pictures, free of charge.  Karen Moore, owner of Karen Moore Photography in Magee (http://www.karenmoorephotography.com/), graciously donated her time to spend the day with our family and offer her photography services.  This wonderful lady (that I had never even met before Wednesday) canceled the photo session she had scheduled for that day and sat at the hospital all day while I was in labor and then took pictures through the delivery and took many, many pictures of Kelsey and our family after birth.  I will be forever grateful to her and Mr. Cliff Burgess (in training with NILMDTS)who took their personal time to provide our family with the precious photos of our special day.  I can never thank them enough.  She took an entire day out of her busy schedule to spend the day with us.  She sent us a few pictures so that we could have a couple at Kelsey's service.  Since I'm at mom's using dial-up internet, it won't let me upload the pics right now, but I will get them up asap.  I want to share my beautiful baby boy :)  If you are friends with me on Facebook, you have probably already seen one of these precious pics.

I would like to close just by saying thank you.  So many people have been praying for us throughout the past few months and especially the past week.  You will never know how much those prayers have helped us.  There have been times when I just didn't have it in me to find the words, but I knew there were friends who were lifting us up.  Please continue to pray for us.  I won't even pretend to act like we are ok.  I know we will be.  But right now, the pain is just too great and the emptiness too big.  I told a friend a couple days ago that we can't even take things day by day at the moment.  Instead it's minute by minute.  That's all we can do.  I also want to thank everyone for the food, cards, messages, phone calls, etc.  The outpouring of love has been overwhelming.  You are very much appreciated.  Also, even though they may never see this, my doctor, the doctor on call at the hospital, and my nurse were awesome.  My OB has been absolutely wonderful.  She is an awesome Christian lady who was very up front with us about everything but also very caring and compassionate.  Our nurse at FGH was absolutely fantastic.  She was so kind and considerate.  She took very good care of us and made our experience the best that it could have been.  I will forever be grateful to her. 

I know I haven't responded to a lot of the texts, calls, etc. that have been sent our way.  Please don't feel like I'm ignoring you. There have just been so many that it's hard to get back to everyone. Please know that your kindness has not gone unnoticed.  Much love to all of you.  Will try to post again soon.

Long Week...Long Road

Spring break?  Yes, please!  What a week we  have had!  After last week's appt, the Dr. wanted me to do some labwork (24 hr collection for those of you familiar with OB labs lol).  So I was supposed to turn that in Monday morning.  After the nasty weather we had over the weekend (running from tornado and thankfully being spared), I was pretty sick by Monday morning, so I made an appt with the nurse practitioner at the OB office.  (Good note...Kelsie's heartbeat was back up closer to where it has been most of the pregnancy!!! Praise the Lord!!!)  Before I could get out of there, the results from my 24 hr were in...the levels they look at for toxemia/preeclampsia were elevated.  So they sent me home to do another 24 hr and turn it in on Wed.  Went Wed. and they also did more bloodwork in addition to the 24 hr.  Results that day were elevated again.  So yes, yet another stupid 24 hr collection to be turned in today.  I asked was it really necessary to do 3 in one week and was told that keeping a close eye was the only thing between me staying home or going into the hospital.  Ugh.  So, go in this morning at 6:30 to take the 24 hr in, and they say I need more blood drawn...go figure.  My arms have about had it.  Went to my appt this afternoon and talked a long while with the nurse practitioner.  I think I kind of have them baffled...not a surprise...seems like the story of my life :)  My blood pressure is staying within a decent range, but my ankles and face are swelling, and protein is pouring into my urine (a major sign of toxemia).  The NP decided to call my OB and ask about a hospital stay.  I prayed the whole time she was out of the room.  I really didn't want to go into the hospital.  Thankfully, the lab results from today were slightly better...still not good at all, but just barely better enough that she said we could put off the hospital for now...Hallelujah!  Of course, she said to rest all that I can (what's that? lol).  Never have I ever been so thankful for Spring Break.  I think that's also one of the reasons why she didn't make me go on to the hospital...because I promised to rest the whole week.  So, now we're just praying for rest, better labs, and no hospital any time soon.  We have our next appt next Thurs.  We'll redo labs again and have results at that appt.  Please keep us in your prayers.  We love and appreciate each of you!  

Dr. Visit

Just a quick update... Yesterday's Dr. visit didn't go quite as I had hoped.  I really felt like things would look good and go smoothly since Kelsie has been kicking and moving up a storm.  But that wasn't quite the case.  While I realized that my ankles have been swelling, I haven't been too concerned because I've been keeping a check on my blood pressure at home.  So far, it's been ok for the most part.  But yesterday it was high, and the doctor wanted some labwork done just to make sure we're ok in that aspect.  But my biggest concern today is that Kelsie's heartbeat was a lot slower than it has been so far.  The doctor said that it's still in the low normal range, and that's ok for now.  But I'll just be honest, I'm scared to death.  Yes, I know God is in control and has His hand on us.  But I am human, and I love my baby girl.  So I am pleading for your prayers.  One, for Kelsie's comfort and well-being.  And two, for strength and peace for Dennis and me.  I am so thankful for all of my praying friends and family.  You guys will never know how much I love and appreciate each of you.  As I'm trying to close this out, another song comes to mind (I'm sure you've noticed by now how much God uses music in my life :) ).  It's a song we used to sing at the church I went to with my mom growing up.  And the words may not be exactly right, but you'll get the point...

     I need the prayers of those I love
     To hold me up on wings of faith
    That I may walk the narrow way
    Held by our Father's glorious grace

    I need my friends to pray for me
    To bear my tempted soul above
    And intercede with God for me
    I need the prayers of those I love

I Will Carry You

I've had a song on my mind that I just wanted to share.  I recently read a book by Angie Smith, wife of singer Todd Smith of the Christian group Selah.  Angie and Todd had a daughter who was diagnosed with a fatal heart defect before birth, and Angie shares her story in her book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.  I really recommend it to anyone who is going through, or has gone through a similar situation.  I've read other books along these same lines, but Angie's faith in Christ is inspiring.  Also, while she is strong in her faith, she also shares the struggles she had concerning her faith.  Many people think that because we are believers, we should be strong all the time.  And while I have found a strength in God that I could never make it through all of this without, I also struggle daily.  Many days, it's hard to find the words to pray.  It's hard to get up and go about my daily business and act like my heart isn't shattered.  But He gives me the strength to carry on.  Someone told me a few weeks ago, when I was at a point where I felt like I just couldn't hardly make it through each day without breaking apart, that I seemed to have really grown in my faith over the previous few weeks.  And I just felt like laughing because I felt like I was doing worse than ever.  But then when talking to another friend about it, she reminded me that the fact that I had survived those weeks where I was at my lowest showed that He was keeping me strong and that my faith was growing.  I was leaning on Him and depending on Him to keep me going.  I'm so thankful that even when I feel my worst, the Lord is constantly carrying me.  And I am so incredibly thankful and blessed that He has chosen me to carry one of his precious miracles. 

So back to Angie...she wrote a song, along with her husband and a friend of theirs, that Selah sings.  It is called I Will Carry You.  It's really hard to describe the song, so I'll just share the lyrics.

          There were photographs I wanted to take
          Things I wanted to show you
          Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
          Who could love you like this?
          People say that I am brave but I'm not
          Truth is I'm barely hanging on
          But there's a greater story
          Written long before me
          Because He loves you like this

          So I will carry you
          While your heart beats here
          Long beyond the empty cradle
          Through the coming years
          I will carry you
          All my life
          And I will praise the One who's chosen me
          To carry you

          Such a short time
          Such a long road
          All this madness
          But I know
          That the silence
          Has brought me to His voice
          And He says

          I've shown her photographs of time beginning
          Walked her through the parted seas
          Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
          Who could love her like this?

          I will carry you
         While your heart beats here
         Long beyond the empty cradle
         Through the coming years
         I will carry you
        All your life
        And I will praise the One who's chosen me
        To carry you.

Not much more to that I can add.  Will update soon.  We have a dr's appt this afternoon.  Prayers much appreciated!  Love ya'll!