Kelsey's First Birthday in Heaven

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious Kelsey. And then everything happened so fast. It's funny...I've spent today looking back on this time last year, and I've remembered somethings that I didn't even realize or notice last year. Like how I actually remember the times I had my epidural or the Pitocin. Or that we buried him on St. Patrick's Day. It's crazy how your mind works in times of great stress and trauma. I guess it just takes in just what you need to get through the moment. There's still a lot of gaps in my memory from the time immediately before and after Kelsey was born. Maybe they'll gradually fill in like they have today, or maybe they won't. Who knows? I do know that I am so thankful for the time we had with Kelsey. I miss him so much that it takes my breathe away at times. But it's a comfort to know he is with my Heavenly Father. He is happy, and all he's ever known is love... Both on earth and now in Heaven. I would give anything to hold him again, to tell him I love him and see him grow. To see him have a blast with his smash cake and balloons and icecream. But since we can't, we did the next best thing, and released a butterfly birthday balloon. God blessed us with a beautiful day, and the balloon was very slow in rising out of sight. It gave me a little comfort that it hung around, almost as if Kelsey was saying I'm here. I'm ok. I know he is, but it just helped my heart a little to feel like he was near. I love you my angel. Happy first birthday!

A New Journey

I know it's been a long time since I posted. The past few months have been tough... Actually, at times it's seemed worse than when Kelsey left us. Going through the holidays, and even at times just the day to day life can be almost unbearable. You would think that the longer we go, the easier it would get, but that's just not the case. As Kelsey's first birthday approaches, I get more and more anxious...more uptight, as hard as I try not to. There are days when he is all I can think about. Sometimes that's a good thing...others it's not. Sometimes it's a day full of tears and longing and heartache. If I am honest with myself, and honest with you, I have to confess that there have been days where I've just wanted to give up. Not suicide...i don't believe in that. I've wanted to just pray for God to take me home. I've let myself go physically. Not eating right, not taking meds just like I should. I just haven't cared since we lost Kelsey. But I know that's just the human in me. And God keeps reminding me that I have a purpose here on this earth. That there are people here who love me and students who need me. So, starting today, I'm starting over. I realize that if we want to have another child, I need to take care of myself. I also know that God has a plan for me, even though it's hard to see right now. Things get pretty dark. Depression, yes I finally admitted it's there, is a dark, tiring place to be. Thankfully, when I feel like I'm going to completely drown, He rescues me. He gives me hope, and keeps me going. It is my prayer today that He will keep me going on this new journey to a healthier life...exercising, healthier eating, healthier relationships, and a stronger spiritual life. I share this with you to ask for your prayers and support. I have never been a fitness person or the most motivated in that area. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer and encouragement to stay on this journey. It is my hope that I can honor my God and my son through this endeavor. It terrifies me because I'm so afraid of failing. All past attempts have ended with just that...failure. But I know I have a precious little one and a loving Father looking down on me. Father, I pray for strength and peace. For endurance and motivation. I pray that you shine Your light through me for others to see. I've heard other angel mommies talk this week about the depression they're facing as well. Let me be a help to them Lord. This is a hard journey and a tough hand we've been dealt. Help us through it by your grace and mercy. Comfort us as only You can. Thank you for using my story to honor You and to honor my sweet Kelsey's short but oh so important life. I love You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I can't promise it won't be a while before I post again. I never know when the mood/message will strike. So until then, please pray for us. Thank you all for being there for us. We love you!

Emotional rantings of a tired mother of an angel baby

It's been so long since I've posted that I don't even know where to start. To be honest, I just haven't had a lot to say or been in the mood. And I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. Even now, words are not easily found. But I know some of you have been wondering and worrying, so I decided I'd better at least write something. So here goes... Each passing month seems to be harder to bear, especially with the holidays coming up so fast. It just doesn't seem right that the rest of the world can just keep going when all I want to do is go back and hold Kelsey. I see so many precious babies who have parents who couldn't care less about them and I just want to scream! I know God has a plan for me, but sometimes it's really hard to even imagine what that might be. My heart is just completely broken. And for those of you who think I should just move on already, until you've been there, and I pray you NEVER will, you have no idea. I know the "you can try agains" and the "you're still youngs" mean well. But it doesn't help. It feels like Kelsey is being dismissed, even though I know that isn't the intention. And I know only people who have been there understand. I miss my son so much, and I love to talk about him. I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I'm sorry. Kelsey is and always will be a part of me and who I am. I love to share stories of our time with him. And when people ask me questions about him, it makes me feel good because it validates his life and the fact that he was here, if only for a little while. With that being said, I wasn't planning to rant. I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest.  And just for the record, none of my rantings were directed at anyone in particular...just the public in general. I understand that pregnancy and infant loss is a taboo subject. In sharing my story/rantings, I hope to help people understand more so that they can better handle themselves in the future.
On another note, I would like to ask for your continued prayers. I went in for my yearly checkup a couple of weeks ago. While all my tests were fine (other than blood pressure because sitting in that place for an hour sent me into a anxiety attack by the time I got into my truck), there is some issues we've dealt with in the past that have returned and could hinder us in getting pregnant again, especially any time soon should we decide to.  And like I said earlier, I know God has a plan for us. I just have to trust in His will and not mine, which is so much easier said than done.
One more thing and then I'm done. I would like to ask you to pray for a friend of mine and her precious little girl, Ally. I don't think she would mind me sharing this with you because the more people we have praying for Ally, the better. Ally was born with many birth defects including problems with her kidneys, lungs, bowels, and other areas. She is currently on dialysis and has developed an infection that doctors cannot figure out. They may have to move her to another hospital and do another type of dialysis. Please pray for healing for this precious child of God and for comfort and rest for her family. I know they would be very appreciative of any prayers sent their way.
Until next time...

I Will Sing

Watch "I Will Sing - Don Moen" on YouTube

This song says it all.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says says that we love you.
                       ~Author unknown

This poem was given to us at a support group meeting I went to for parents who are dealing with infertility or the loss of a child. It was read right before we released balloons in memory of our children who left too soon or that we never got to hold.  Over the past few months, I have become heartbreakingly aware of just how many parents go through the loss of a child. I have met many strong women and men who are going through the same heartbreak I am. And while I wish that none of us would have never had to go through this pain, I want to say how thankful I am for all of you. Thankful that you've shared your stories, your emotions, and most of all, your beautiful angels with me. I am so humbled that so many people have reached out to me during this time. My fellow Potter's angels parents especially, you will never know how much you have helped me. How much it has helped to hear your stories and know that we're not alone. My sweet friend Blair, who has been there for me every step of the way...who is always there with encouraging words, hugs, smiles from her sweet Selah:) and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. You have been such a huge blessing in my life, and I love you for it.  My parents, who understand all too well the pain of losing a child. I never could have imagined the hurt they felt losing Grant until I had to say goodbye to my sweet Kelsey. My brother and sister, although we may not get to see each other much, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for either of them. My husband, Dennis, who has been the strong one, who has kept me from completely losing it at times. I love you!

And while I'm in the process of thanking people (that wasn't the original intent of this post, but I'm glad that's the direction it took), I also need to say thanks to my church family who has been there since day one. They have prayed for us, cried with us, and many of them were there to share in the precious few minutes we had with Kelsey. God knew what he was doing when He planted me at Victory. And last but not least of my earthly thanks, my coworkers, especially my principal and my assistant. I know Linda has put up with a lot from me over the past year. From mood swings and not being able to help change diapers while I was pregnant (morning sickness + dirty diaper= disaster) lol, to the emotional wreck I can be now. I know last week was rough. Kelsey's six month birthday was Friday, and that milestone just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was a mess all week. And Karen, I know (even though she doesn't know I know:) ) she checks on me often, and she and Linda try to protect me from things they know might upset me. And for that I am grateful. It's not often you get to work for, and with, people who pray and people who truly care.

As I said, the past week or two has been really hard. I miss my Kelsey so bad some days that it's hard to even breathe. But the Lord still gives me the strength to take those breaths, no matter how bad it hurts. He gives me the strength to congratulate newly expectant mom or brand new parents. (Please don't  take that the wrong way...I am truly happy for those people and wish for them absolutely nothing but health and happiness for them and their little one. But sometimes, hearing of someone else's new pregnancy or newborn child can bring on a flood of emotions unexpectedly. It can bring back happy memories or it can bring back the pain. I just never know. So please don't take offense if I quietly walk away from a conversation where that is the topic. I just don't want to steal joy from the person highlighted by getting upset in front of people.) And for that strength I am thankful. If not for Jesus holding me up with His strength, I can't promise you that I would still be standing. On my own, I'm just not that strong. So please, keep us in your prayers. Although we've come a good ways, we still have a long road ahead of us. Much love to all of you. God bless!

Just to Share

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was watch my son's headstone be put into it's place. I know this sounds crazy...but it just made everything ultimately final. Some of you who have been there will understand that, and some of you will not. It's just one of those things. I guess because it really is the final thing that I got to do for him.

"The Hurt and the Healer"

Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn't come from the explained Jesus please don't let this go in vain You're all I have All that remains
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity Is overcome by majesty When grace is ushered in for good And all our scars are understood When mercy takts rightful place And all these questions fade away When out of the weakness we must bow And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears When the hurt and the healer collide
This is a song from MercyMe that has just really grabbed my heart lately, and tonight especially so. Today has been one of those days. You know...the kind where it feels like everything in life has piled up on you at one time and it really does feel like all you can do is breathe...and not even very well at that. Just one of those really emotional days. Two years ago today, I was supposed to be delivering my first child, but instead I had miscarried months earlier. Thinking about my first angel today really made me wonder what life would be like now with a two year old. Quite interesting I'm sure. Like the song says, "Why? The question that is never far away." It really isn't ever far away. And not just pertaining to things that happen in my life, but things that I see happen to other people too. If you're like me, you can really get frustrated and caught up in the "whys" if you let yourself. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't know the answer, but God does. Not only that, he knows the why; He knows His plan for me; and He knows what my future holds. It's not my job to understand any of it. It's my job to lean on Him...trust Him when He says He knows the plans He has for me (Jer 29:11) and that when the river tries to overflow me or fire tries to burn me, He will not let it succeed (Isa 43:2). Sometimes I fail so miserably in this. Sometimes I get myself worked up with the questions, fears, and pain. Yes, I am a believer in Him, but I'm also very much human. But He always brings me back to the point where I can rest in Him and know that He has me in His hands and He's not letting go. The fact that I'm sober and in my right mind is proof enough of that. Without Him, I would not still be standing. Thank you Lord for being so merciful. You know my hurts and my heart. And I know that this is not all in vain. Please Jesus continue to pick me up on days like today where I just feel like I'm just existing...going through the motions of life. Continue to be the Healer of my hurt. Help me to honor You and help me to be bold for you. I love you Lord.