I know I've gotten really bad about not posting often. Things just get crazy and without internet at home, it's hard to find the time. But I started this blog, and I don't want to abandon it. The response to this blog by people I know and people I don't know has just been astonishing. I have heard from people who I have never met before and probably whose path I never would have crossed had I not started this. It has been overwhelming to hear your stories, and it is humbling to know that God is using Kelsey to touch other lives. My preacher said the other day that nothing in this world is new. It's all been done before. The things we go through are so that we can help others through those same experiences. I know I've met some wonderful people simply because they've been where I am now. A very dear friend to me is in my life because she took me under her wing when I went through my miscarriage with my first pregnancy. So bear with me...I will try to do better. The past month and a half has really been a trying time. Between going back to work, trying to catch up there, and just trying to keep up with "life", it has been difficult. There have been days when I have just wanted to give up, go to bed, and make the rest of the world go away. Of course, that's not an option. That's not what I was put on this earth for. Some days I really have no clue what God expects of me except that I'm here to give Him glory. And many days, that means just being able to say I'm surviving...that I'm here...that I'm still standing. So many people have talked about how "strong" I am...about how "good" I'm doing. The truth is, I'm not that strong and most of the time I'm not doing "good." Life has been such a struggle. And there are a couple of points that I wanted to talk about that I hope will help people see some of what has helped me, and some of what we (people in similar situations) deal with on a daily basis in the hopes that you understand when we do certain things that may seem weird or insensitive.
As mothers who have lost their children in various ways (miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death, even mothers who have lost older children from toddlers to adults), there are things that trigger strong emotions that sometimes we cannot control. For me, being around new mothers or soon-to-be mothers is a very hard thing. Sometimes so much so that I have to leave the room or decline an invitation to a baby shower. It's not that we begrudge them for their happiness and healthy babies...far from it. I am happy for all the pregnant and new moms and their healthy happy babies. I pray daily for the expectant moms that I know. I pray for healthy pregnancies with safe deliveries of healthy babies, and I want nothing but the best for them. I would never wish for anyone to have to go through what I've been through. I don't know that there's anything worse than the loss of a child. It's just that being around them brings back fresh the heartache that I've been through...it sometimes brings back emotions so strong that I can't hold them in. So that being said, if I have offended anyone lately by seeming insensitive, I'm sorry. I truly do not mean to be. Sometimes it's just a matter of self-preservation. I know when I feel like I'm just going to fall apart if I don't remove myself from the situation. In instances such as baby showers, I also know ahead of time that there's probably no way that I can make it through the entire shower without falling apart, and it's not fair to the new mom to have attention taken away from her and her special day just because I can't hold things together. So please don't feel like it's a personal thing against anyone in particular. I say this because I know I'm not the only one who has to do these things sometimes, and I know that people who haven't been through these experiences don't understand. It is my hope that by putting this out there, those people will have a better understanding of why we do the things we do. It's nothing personal, and we don't mean to offend.
I feel like I'm kind of rambling, but there's one more thing that's been on my mind. Over the past few months I have heard/read comments about how one type of child loss is more difficult. For instance, I heard one lady get furious because another lady compared her own miscarriage to the first lady's stillbirth. Another instance happened to me where someone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and failed in vitros said that she knew her experience couldn't hurt as bad as my experience. As someone who has experienced both a miscarriage and the death of my baby boy, I honestly feel like you really can't compare any of these experiences. A miscarriage hurts because you never get to meet the child...you don't get to find out the sex...so many dreams are dashed. Stillbirth carries with it many of the same hurts along with the hurt of being so close and yet so far away from holding your baby. Same with losing your baby after birth...you get the joy of holding your sweet child, but the dreams of what might have been hurt so bad...those thoughts of first steps, first words, starting kindergarten, graduations, etc. And then even for mothers who get to watch their children grow and have many memories of their loved ones. Losing their children hurt because still once again, there's an emptiness there that just doesn't compare to anything else. It doesn't matter how a mother loses her child, it all hurts. Yes, there are different ways that it hurts. But it all hurts...no matter how young/old the child is. So I really don't feel like you can compare one to the other because they all hurt severely. So instead of comparing who hurts more, we should just love each other and be there when the other one needs us...use our thoughts and feelings to empathize with each other and help each other. You can't minimize the feelings/hurts that the loss of a child brings regardless of how it hurts. And regardless of how much pain one feels, there's always someone somewhere dealing with something even worse. A couple of weeks ago, I realized just how blessed I am that I got to hold Kelsey for just those few precious minutes. He could have been taken from me before he was born. Or I could have had to watch him suffer for months. I couldn't imagine being a mother in a third world country who has to watch my child waste away and die from hunger or from a disease that I can't afford to treat. Moral of the story: we are all blessed. There is always someone somewhere going through a bigger struggle than we are. It is up to us how we deal with our struggles. I know that without Christ, I would have dealt with my experience with Kelsey much differently. I can pretty much guarantee that I would not still be standing. It is only by the grace of God that I am able to go on living. It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I am sober, in my right mind, and able to still function (even if it's just barely functioning some days...that's ok).
I hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything I've said. That is definitely not my intention. I just want people to understand a little of where we come from when we do and say certain things. I hope that by sharing these thoughts with you, that maybe I can spare others from dealing with some of the awkward or hurtful moments that I have dealt with in the past few months. Thank you for allowing me to share with you. Please continue to pray for us. It has been a rough month, especially the week that started with Mother's Day. Kelsey's 2 month birthday was the next day, and his original due date was that same week. So we've dealt with a lot. But we are still being "held" by Jesus. I really appreciate your prayers and support. They mean so much to me. Until next time...
