Emotional rantings of a tired mother of an angel baby

It's been so long since I've posted that I don't even know where to start. To be honest, I just haven't had a lot to say or been in the mood. And I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. Even now, words are not easily found. But I know some of you have been wondering and worrying, so I decided I'd better at least write something. So here goes... Each passing month seems to be harder to bear, especially with the holidays coming up so fast. It just doesn't seem right that the rest of the world can just keep going when all I want to do is go back and hold Kelsey. I see so many precious babies who have parents who couldn't care less about them and I just want to scream! I know God has a plan for me, but sometimes it's really hard to even imagine what that might be. My heart is just completely broken. And for those of you who think I should just move on already, until you've been there, and I pray you NEVER will, you have no idea. I know the "you can try agains" and the "you're still youngs" mean well. But it doesn't help. It feels like Kelsey is being dismissed, even though I know that isn't the intention. And I know only people who have been there understand. I miss my son so much, and I love to talk about him. I know that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but I'm sorry. Kelsey is and always will be a part of me and who I am. I love to share stories of our time with him. And when people ask me questions about him, it makes me feel good because it validates his life and the fact that he was here, if only for a little while. With that being said, I wasn't planning to rant. I guess I just needed to get some things off my chest.  And just for the record, none of my rantings were directed at anyone in particular...just the public in general. I understand that pregnancy and infant loss is a taboo subject. In sharing my story/rantings, I hope to help people understand more so that they can better handle themselves in the future.
On another note, I would like to ask for your continued prayers. I went in for my yearly checkup a couple of weeks ago. While all my tests were fine (other than blood pressure because sitting in that place for an hour sent me into a anxiety attack by the time I got into my truck), there is some issues we've dealt with in the past that have returned and could hinder us in getting pregnant again, especially any time soon should we decide to.  And like I said earlier, I know God has a plan for us. I just have to trust in His will and not mine, which is so much easier said than done.
One more thing and then I'm done. I would like to ask you to pray for a friend of mine and her precious little girl, Ally. I don't think she would mind me sharing this with you because the more people we have praying for Ally, the better. Ally was born with many birth defects including problems with her kidneys, lungs, bowels, and other areas. She is currently on dialysis and has developed an infection that doctors cannot figure out. They may have to move her to another hospital and do another type of dialysis. Please pray for healing for this precious child of God and for comfort and rest for her family. I know they would be very appreciative of any prayers sent their way.
Until next time...

I Will Sing

Watch "I Will Sing - Don Moen" on YouTube

This song says it all.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says says that we love you.
                       ~Author unknown

This poem was given to us at a support group meeting I went to for parents who are dealing with infertility or the loss of a child. It was read right before we released balloons in memory of our children who left too soon or that we never got to hold.  Over the past few months, I have become heartbreakingly aware of just how many parents go through the loss of a child. I have met many strong women and men who are going through the same heartbreak I am. And while I wish that none of us would have never had to go through this pain, I want to say how thankful I am for all of you. Thankful that you've shared your stories, your emotions, and most of all, your beautiful angels with me. I am so humbled that so many people have reached out to me during this time. My fellow Potter's angels parents especially, you will never know how much you have helped me. How much it has helped to hear your stories and know that we're not alone. My sweet friend Blair, who has been there for me every step of the way...who is always there with encouraging words, hugs, smiles from her sweet Selah:) and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on. You have been such a huge blessing in my life, and I love you for it.  My parents, who understand all too well the pain of losing a child. I never could have imagined the hurt they felt losing Grant until I had to say goodbye to my sweet Kelsey. My brother and sister, although we may not get to see each other much, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for either of them. My husband, Dennis, who has been the strong one, who has kept me from completely losing it at times. I love you!

And while I'm in the process of thanking people (that wasn't the original intent of this post, but I'm glad that's the direction it took), I also need to say thanks to my church family who has been there since day one. They have prayed for us, cried with us, and many of them were there to share in the precious few minutes we had with Kelsey. God knew what he was doing when He planted me at Victory. And last but not least of my earthly thanks, my coworkers, especially my principal and my assistant. I know Linda has put up with a lot from me over the past year. From mood swings and not being able to help change diapers while I was pregnant (morning sickness + dirty diaper= disaster) lol, to the emotional wreck I can be now. I know last week was rough. Kelsey's six month birthday was Friday, and that milestone just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was a mess all week. And Karen, I know (even though she doesn't know I know:) ) she checks on me often, and she and Linda try to protect me from things they know might upset me. And for that I am grateful. It's not often you get to work for, and with, people who pray and people who truly care.

As I said, the past week or two has been really hard. I miss my Kelsey so bad some days that it's hard to even breathe. But the Lord still gives me the strength to take those breaths, no matter how bad it hurts. He gives me the strength to congratulate newly expectant mom or brand new parents. (Please don't  take that the wrong way...I am truly happy for those people and wish for them absolutely nothing but health and happiness for them and their little one. But sometimes, hearing of someone else's new pregnancy or newborn child can bring on a flood of emotions unexpectedly. It can bring back happy memories or it can bring back the pain. I just never know. So please don't take offense if I quietly walk away from a conversation where that is the topic. I just don't want to steal joy from the person highlighted by getting upset in front of people.) And for that strength I am thankful. If not for Jesus holding me up with His strength, I can't promise you that I would still be standing. On my own, I'm just not that strong. So please, keep us in your prayers. Although we've come a good ways, we still have a long road ahead of us. Much love to all of you. God bless!

Just to Share

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was watch my son's headstone be put into it's place. I know this sounds crazy...but it just made everything ultimately final. Some of you who have been there will understand that, and some of you will not. It's just one of those things. I guess because it really is the final thing that I got to do for him.

"The Hurt and the Healer"

Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn't come from the explained Jesus please don't let this go in vain You're all I have All that remains
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity Is overcome by majesty When grace is ushered in for good And all our scars are understood When mercy takts rightful place And all these questions fade away When out of the weakness we must bow And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears When the hurt and the healer collide
This is a song from MercyMe that has just really grabbed my heart lately, and tonight especially so. Today has been one of those days. You know...the kind where it feels like everything in life has piled up on you at one time and it really does feel like all you can do is breathe...and not even very well at that. Just one of those really emotional days. Two years ago today, I was supposed to be delivering my first child, but instead I had miscarried months earlier. Thinking about my first angel today really made me wonder what life would be like now with a two year old. Quite interesting I'm sure. Like the song says, "Why? The question that is never far away." It really isn't ever far away. And not just pertaining to things that happen in my life, but things that I see happen to other people too. If you're like me, you can really get frustrated and caught up in the "whys" if you let yourself. I constantly have to remind myself that I don't know the answer, but God does. Not only that, he knows the why; He knows His plan for me; and He knows what my future holds. It's not my job to understand any of it. It's my job to lean on Him...trust Him when He says He knows the plans He has for me (Jer 29:11) and that when the river tries to overflow me or fire tries to burn me, He will not let it succeed (Isa 43:2). Sometimes I fail so miserably in this. Sometimes I get myself worked up with the questions, fears, and pain. Yes, I am a believer in Him, but I'm also very much human. But He always brings me back to the point where I can rest in Him and know that He has me in His hands and He's not letting go. The fact that I'm sober and in my right mind is proof enough of that. Without Him, I would not still be standing. Thank you Lord for being so merciful. You know my hurts and my heart. And I know that this is not all in vain. Please Jesus continue to pick me up on days like today where I just feel like I'm just existing...going through the motions of life. Continue to be the Healer of my hurt. Help me to honor You and help me to be bold for you. I love you Lord.

Helping Others Understand

I know I've gotten really bad about not posting often.  Things just get crazy and without internet at home, it's hard to find the time.  But I started this blog, and I don't want to abandon it.  The response to this blog by people I know and people I don't know has just been astonishing.  I have heard from people who I have never met before and probably whose path I never would have crossed had I not started this.  It has been overwhelming to hear your stories, and it is humbling to know that God is using Kelsey to touch other lives. My preacher said the other day that nothing in this world is new.  It's all been done before.  The things we go through are so that we can help others through those same experiences.  I know I've met some wonderful people simply because they've been where I am now.  A very dear friend to me is in my life because she took me under her wing when I went through my miscarriage with my first pregnancy.  So bear with me...I will try to do better.  The past month and a half has really been a trying time.  Between going back to work, trying to catch up there, and just trying to keep up with "life", it has been difficult.  There have been days when I have just wanted to give up, go to bed, and make the rest of the world go away.  Of course, that's not an option.  That's not what I was put on this earth for.  Some days I really have no clue what God expects of me except that I'm here to give Him glory.  And many days, that means just being able to say I'm surviving...that I'm here...that I'm still standing.  So many people have talked about how "strong" I am...about how "good" I'm doing.  The truth is, I'm not that strong and most of the time I'm not doing "good."  Life has been such a struggle.  And there are a couple of points that I wanted to talk about that I hope will help people see some of what has helped me, and some of what we (people in similar situations) deal with on a daily basis in the hopes that you understand when we do certain things that may seem weird or insensitive. 

As mothers who have lost their children in various ways (miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death, even mothers who have lost older children from toddlers to adults), there are things that trigger strong emotions that sometimes we cannot control.  For me, being around new mothers or soon-to-be mothers is a very hard thing.  Sometimes so much so that I have to leave the room or decline an invitation to a baby shower.  It's not that we begrudge them for their happiness and healthy babies...far from it.  I am happy for all the pregnant and new moms and their healthy happy babies.  I pray daily for the expectant moms that I know.  I pray for healthy pregnancies with safe deliveries of healthy babies, and I want nothing but the best for them.  I would never wish for anyone to have to go through what I've been through.  I don't know that there's anything worse than the loss of a child.  It's just that being around them brings back fresh the heartache that I've been through...it sometimes brings back emotions so strong that I can't hold them in.  So that being said, if I have offended anyone lately by seeming insensitive, I'm sorry.  I truly do not mean to be.  Sometimes it's just a matter of self-preservation.  I know when I feel like I'm just going to fall apart if I don't remove myself from the situation.  In instances such as baby showers, I also know ahead of time that there's probably no way that I can make it through the entire shower without falling apart, and it's not fair to the new mom to have attention taken away from her and her special day just because I can't hold things together.  So please don't feel like it's a personal thing against anyone in particular.  I say this because I know I'm not the only one who has to do these things sometimes, and I know that people who haven't been through these experiences don't understand.  It is my hope that by putting this out there, those people will have a better understanding of why we do the things we do.  It's nothing personal, and we don't mean to offend. 

I feel like I'm kind of rambling, but there's one more thing that's been on my mind.  Over the past few months I have heard/read comments about how one type of child loss is more difficult.  For instance, I heard one lady get furious because another lady compared her own miscarriage to the first lady's stillbirth.  Another instance happened to me where someone who has experienced multiple miscarriages and failed in vitros said that she knew her experience couldn't hurt as bad as my experience.  As someone who has experienced both a miscarriage and the death of my baby boy, I honestly feel like you really can't compare any of these experiences.  A miscarriage hurts because you never get to meet the child...you don't get to find out the sex...so many dreams are dashed.  Stillbirth carries with it many of the same hurts along with the hurt of being so close and yet so far away from holding your baby.  Same with losing your baby after birth...you get the joy of holding your sweet child, but the dreams of what might have been hurt so bad...those thoughts of first steps, first words, starting kindergarten, graduations, etc.  And then even for mothers who get to watch their children grow and have many memories of their loved ones.  Losing their children hurt because still once again, there's an emptiness there that just doesn't compare to anything else.  It doesn't matter how a mother loses her child, it all hurts.  Yes, there are different ways that it hurts.  But it all hurts...no matter how young/old the child is.  So I really don't feel like you can compare one to the other because they all hurt severely.  So instead of comparing who hurts more, we should just love each other and be there when the other one needs us...use our thoughts and feelings to empathize with each other and help each other.  You can't minimize the feelings/hurts that the loss of a child brings regardless of how it hurts.  And regardless of how much pain one feels, there's always someone somewhere dealing with something even worse.  A couple of weeks ago, I realized just how blessed I am that I got to hold Kelsey for just those few precious minutes.  He could have been taken from me before he was born.  Or I could have had to watch him suffer for months.  I couldn't imagine being a mother in a third world country who has to watch my child waste away and die from hunger or from a disease that I can't afford to treat.  Moral of the story:  we are all blessed.  There is always someone somewhere going through a bigger struggle than we are.  It is up to us how we deal with our struggles.  I know that without Christ, I would have dealt with my experience with Kelsey much differently.  I can pretty much guarantee that I would not still be standing.  It is only by the grace of God that I am able to go on living.  It is only by the grace and mercy of God that I am sober, in my right mind, and able to still  function (even if it's just barely functioning some days...that's ok). 

I hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything I've said.  That is definitely not my intention.  I just want people to understand a little of where we come from when we do and say certain things.  I hope that by sharing these thoughts with you, that maybe I can spare others from dealing with some of the awkward or hurtful moments that I have dealt with in the past few months.  Thank you for allowing me to share with you.  Please continue to pray for us.  It has been a rough month, especially the week that started with Mother's Day.  Kelsey's 2 month birthday was the next day, and his original due date was that same week.  So we've dealt with a lot.  But we are still being "held" by Jesus.  I really appreciate your prayers and support.  They mean so much to me.  Until next time...

Stuck in Neutral

I know it's been a long time since I've written anything on here.  Honestly I've had a hard time finding any words to write.  It's so hard to believe that my sweet angel would be 6 weeks old already.  It's so startling how fast time flies.  And while time flies, sometimes it seems that it just drags on by.  There are days when it seems like the whole world has moved on and forgotten while I feel like I'm stuck in neutral...not necessarily wanting to stay in the state I'm in, but having a hard time moving forward.  I just don't want to forget, and I don't want others to forget my beautiful baby.  What he looked like, the way his little mouth opened and twitched every few minutes like a sign saying "hey, I'm still here."  The way he curled his little legs up so that his body was just a tiny little ball, his head full of hair, the jaw like his daddy's and nose like mommy's, how he looks so much like my dad.  So many things I'm so scared of forgetting.  I am so thankful for the pictures Karen took for us.  They're so precious to me that when I started trying to pick out the "best" ones to print, I couldn't choose.  Even the ones that were so similar that you can't hardly tell them apart...I printed them all...All 325 of them!  They fill two sweet little blue and yellow baby photo albums that are two of my most prized possessions.  I wanted to share these pictures with you, so I uploaded them to a Picasa album on Google.  https://picasaweb.google.com/107480046572166897680/Kelsey31412#  Hopefully this link will work.  If not, I'll try again another day.  Most of them are in the order that she took them...start to finish.  From birth to passing.  I will forever be grateful to Karen and Cliff for the blessing they gave us through Kelsey's pictures.  While I hope you enjoy them,  I also pray that you will see the awesome blessing God gives through the life of a child and the importance of every single life...no matter how small. 

One Week

Wow.  It's so hard to believe it's been a whole week since our sweet Kelsey blessed us with his presence.  The days have been such a blur that I really don't even remember a lot about some of them.  I came home from the hospital on Thursday and began preparing for his service.  We had already decided we wanted a short, simple graveside service.  Right before we left the hospital, they gave us a small pine box for us to put him in when someone came to pick him up from the hospital, but I was not impressed at all with the box.  So we went to the office of the funeral home to look at what they had.  Not impressed there either...a worn-out looking white box or a small casket that looked awfully tacky with the colors they had combined together and wanted an outrageous amount of money for.  Now, I know ultimately it doesn't matter...he would never see it, and it would be put in the ground.  But this is my baby, and I wanted everything perfect.  So Dennis and I decided to keep the box from the hospital and paint it instead.  So Dennis headed home, and mom and I headed to find Kelsey an outfit (all I had were dresses :)), paint for the box, and material to fix up the inside of the box.  We took care of the outfit and the material and head to the paint section.  We had decided on a baby blue color, but I really was having trouble deciding on the exact color.  I finally picked one and walked around to the paint counter to have it mixed, when I noticed another set of color samples.  I picked one up that looked like it would be better than the one I had and almost lost my breath.  The name of the color was Sweet Baby Boy.  Just another sign that God is still by my side.  He hasn't left me.  So many times throughout this pregnancy, God has given me those little signs, from the perfect dress for KelsIE being on sale when we got to the register to Dennis and I being on the same page about practically everything to the florist actually having the daisies I wanted for the service on hand because she had just ordered them.  It has really been amazing to see just how much He cares and is watching over us...how involved He is in the little things. 

That evening, Dennis and I headed out to the shed to work on what would be the final thing we could ever provide for our baby.  Dennis sanded the box and painted two coats of the Sweet Baby Boy paint, and then I put a final coat on it.  I know it sounds crazy, but it was actually a peaceful time.  I think it really helped us to be able to do one more thing for Kelsey.  We are both very glad that is what we chose to do.  The box turned out beautiful.  Friday morning, Dennis and I took the box to my dad so he could pick Kelsey up from the hospital, and then we picked up his flowers.  We had set the time for 10:00 Friday morning, and we were almost late.  But honestly, I think walking up at the last minute was probably the best thing for us.  To have to stand around and dwell on what we were about to do I think would have just been unbearable.  Kelsey's service was beautiful.  God blessed us with a gorgeous day full of sunshine.  We had spoken with my preacher who knew we wanted a short service, so he began by reading the information about Kelsey's life, and then spoke a few words of scripture.  I don't think anyone could have picked a better verse to focus on.  "Then there were brought unto Him little children, that He should put His hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, Suffer (allow) little children, and forbid them not to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 19: 13-14  It helps my heart to know that my precious son is in the hands of the Lord.  He never knew pain or heartache.  He never knew the troubles of this world.  All he knew in this world was love.  It's those who are left behind who have the heartaches and troubles.  He is happy and content. 

After the preacher finished, we played the song "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.  I feel like this song is a part of my testimony.  I know that throughout all of this He has "held" me and never let me go. 

Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would take a child from his mother while she prayed is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be spared from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live? It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.  We want to taste it, and let the hatred numb our sorrows.  The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is want it means to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive.  This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffereing.  If this only the beginning.  Can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?

This is want it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

We are so thankful for the many friends and family that have shown us so much love and support.  Please continue to pray for us on this long road.  Dennis went back to work this week, and it's been hard being apart so soon.  I am very thankful for the couple of days that we had together after the service.  Where an experience like this might tear some people apart, our relationship has grown stronger.  He has been so strong for me, helping me keep my head and my focus instead of completely falling apart.  God knew what he was doing when he set us up working at the same place years ago :)  I am so blessed. 

I'll say goodbye for now...but not before I share the pictures I promised :)

Kelsey Nolan Keller

In Daddy's Hands...one of my favorites



Empty Arms, Broken Hearts, But so Incredibly Thankful and Blessed

As most of you know by now, I went into labor last week at 30 1/2 weeks.  Because of all of the issues we were facing, the doctor recommended not stopping labor.  She felt that this was my body's way of saying it was time...that it just couldn't take any more.  So she admitted me on Tuesday.  They kept me for a few hours, but after no more dilation, they sent me home.  But by 2 am Wednesday morning, I was having regular contractions about 11 minutes apart which then went to 6 minutes about by 2:30.  Talk about scary...that was a big jump!  So mom took me on to the hospital (Dennis was working in Jackson and hit the road to Hattiesburg.)  They got me admitted, and the wait began.  By 8 that morning, I had made it to about 4 cm so they said Kelsey (will explain the change in spelling in a minute:) ) would probably be here in 2-4 hours.  Yeah right lol  You know this baby has been stubborn this whole time...I wonder where that hardheadedness comes from :)  The doctor decided to go ahead and give me the epidural at about 8, which is probably one of the best decisions that we made.  I was able to relax and just enjoy the whole experience...especially the actual delivery.  Kelsey decided to be stubborn and take a while.  So that afternoon, the doctor suggested starting some Pitocin to speed things along.  I really didn't want to do this because I knew that as soon as the baby was born, it would quite likely mean our sweetheart would no longer be with us.  And I didn't want to rush that up at all.  Also, I knew that the Pitocin could stress the baby out with harder contractions.  But since my water had broke that morning, I knew that the baby could be stressed because of the lack of fluid and a drier birth.  So we decided to go ahead and push the Pitocin.  By 5:00 I was fully dilated and it was time to push.  At 5:25 p.m. on Wednesday, March 14, 2012, Kelsey Nolan Keller...yes HE was a BOY!!! was born.  Talk about a shock!  All this time, we'd been planning for a girl (KelsIE).  The doctor kept saying "he" and "his", so I finally asked..."Are you saying HE like, it's a boy???" And she well I'm pretty sure that's what it looks like to me!  Wow...God sure knows how to give somebody some comic relief in a really tense moment :)  I panicked for a moment because I had no boy clothes, blankets, etc and I didn't have a boy name picked out.  But mom pointed out that Kelsie/ey could be a boy or a girl's name, so we just changed the girly IE to EY.  And since we had picked Denise for the middle name, someone suggested using Dennis for the middle name.  But Daddy Dennis said he really liked his middle name of Nolan better.  So therefore Kelsey Nolan Keller was named.  Dennis held Kelsey first while they finished taking care of me, and then I got to hold my precious sweetheart.  He was so much bigger than I was expecting!  He weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces and was 14 1/4 inches long.  He had such a cute chubby face and was perfect!

Our neonatologist checked him out, and gave us the news we were afraid of getting.  Kelsey's heartbeat had been fantastic all through labor, but as soon as the cord was cut, his heartbeat dropped into the 20-30 range.  We knew we had just a few minutes with him.  As much as I didn't want to let him go, I also really wanted to share him with our family and friends.  So I passed him on to my mom and let our families hold him.  A couple of minutes later, our wonderful nurse sat beside me on the bed and told me that I should get him back because he probably only had a few minutes left.  I asked them to hand him back to me, and as I held him, our sweet angel passed from this world to be with Jesus.  It was a moment I had been so scared of, but it was so peaceful.  They said he experienced no pain, and the 19 minutes he spent with us were the most beautiful 19 minutes of my life.  Our precious baby boy spent his whole life knowing nothing but love.  I am so thankful that he made it here.  That he lived...that he will have a birth certificate...that people were there to see and meet him and validate this tiny little being who played such a huge part in this world. 

The next few minutes were spent with joy and sadness as the rest of our family and friends took turns holding Kelsey.  Then most of them filtered out as we spent time with a photographer.  There is a non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that is made up of professional photographers who volunteer their time and services to families going through situations like ours.  They take pictures for the families and then provide them with a CD of the pictures, free of charge.  Karen Moore, owner of Karen Moore Photography in Magee (http://www.karenmoorephotography.com/), graciously donated her time to spend the day with our family and offer her photography services.  This wonderful lady (that I had never even met before Wednesday) canceled the photo session she had scheduled for that day and sat at the hospital all day while I was in labor and then took pictures through the delivery and took many, many pictures of Kelsey and our family after birth.  I will be forever grateful to her and Mr. Cliff Burgess (in training with NILMDTS)who took their personal time to provide our family with the precious photos of our special day.  I can never thank them enough.  She took an entire day out of her busy schedule to spend the day with us.  She sent us a few pictures so that we could have a couple at Kelsey's service.  Since I'm at mom's using dial-up internet, it won't let me upload the pics right now, but I will get them up asap.  I want to share my beautiful baby boy :)  If you are friends with me on Facebook, you have probably already seen one of these precious pics.

I would like to close just by saying thank you.  So many people have been praying for us throughout the past few months and especially the past week.  You will never know how much those prayers have helped us.  There have been times when I just didn't have it in me to find the words, but I knew there were friends who were lifting us up.  Please continue to pray for us.  I won't even pretend to act like we are ok.  I know we will be.  But right now, the pain is just too great and the emptiness too big.  I told a friend a couple days ago that we can't even take things day by day at the moment.  Instead it's minute by minute.  That's all we can do.  I also want to thank everyone for the food, cards, messages, phone calls, etc.  The outpouring of love has been overwhelming.  You are very much appreciated.  Also, even though they may never see this, my doctor, the doctor on call at the hospital, and my nurse were awesome.  My OB has been absolutely wonderful.  She is an awesome Christian lady who was very up front with us about everything but also very caring and compassionate.  Our nurse at FGH was absolutely fantastic.  She was so kind and considerate.  She took very good care of us and made our experience the best that it could have been.  I will forever be grateful to her. 

I know I haven't responded to a lot of the texts, calls, etc. that have been sent our way.  Please don't feel like I'm ignoring you. There have just been so many that it's hard to get back to everyone. Please know that your kindness has not gone unnoticed.  Much love to all of you.  Will try to post again soon.

Long Week...Long Road

Spring break?  Yes, please!  What a week we  have had!  After last week's appt, the Dr. wanted me to do some labwork (24 hr collection for those of you familiar with OB labs lol).  So I was supposed to turn that in Monday morning.  After the nasty weather we had over the weekend (running from tornado and thankfully being spared), I was pretty sick by Monday morning, so I made an appt with the nurse practitioner at the OB office.  (Good note...Kelsie's heartbeat was back up closer to where it has been most of the pregnancy!!! Praise the Lord!!!)  Before I could get out of there, the results from my 24 hr were in...the levels they look at for toxemia/preeclampsia were elevated.  So they sent me home to do another 24 hr and turn it in on Wed.  Went Wed. and they also did more bloodwork in addition to the 24 hr.  Results that day were elevated again.  So yes, yet another stupid 24 hr collection to be turned in today.  I asked was it really necessary to do 3 in one week and was told that keeping a close eye was the only thing between me staying home or going into the hospital.  Ugh.  So, go in this morning at 6:30 to take the 24 hr in, and they say I need more blood drawn...go figure.  My arms have about had it.  Went to my appt this afternoon and talked a long while with the nurse practitioner.  I think I kind of have them baffled...not a surprise...seems like the story of my life :)  My blood pressure is staying within a decent range, but my ankles and face are swelling, and protein is pouring into my urine (a major sign of toxemia).  The NP decided to call my OB and ask about a hospital stay.  I prayed the whole time she was out of the room.  I really didn't want to go into the hospital.  Thankfully, the lab results from today were slightly better...still not good at all, but just barely better enough that she said we could put off the hospital for now...Hallelujah!  Of course, she said to rest all that I can (what's that? lol).  Never have I ever been so thankful for Spring Break.  I think that's also one of the reasons why she didn't make me go on to the hospital...because I promised to rest the whole week.  So, now we're just praying for rest, better labs, and no hospital any time soon.  We have our next appt next Thurs.  We'll redo labs again and have results at that appt.  Please keep us in your prayers.  We love and appreciate each of you!  

Dr. Visit

Just a quick update... Yesterday's Dr. visit didn't go quite as I had hoped.  I really felt like things would look good and go smoothly since Kelsie has been kicking and moving up a storm.  But that wasn't quite the case.  While I realized that my ankles have been swelling, I haven't been too concerned because I've been keeping a check on my blood pressure at home.  So far, it's been ok for the most part.  But yesterday it was high, and the doctor wanted some labwork done just to make sure we're ok in that aspect.  But my biggest concern today is that Kelsie's heartbeat was a lot slower than it has been so far.  The doctor said that it's still in the low normal range, and that's ok for now.  But I'll just be honest, I'm scared to death.  Yes, I know God is in control and has His hand on us.  But I am human, and I love my baby girl.  So I am pleading for your prayers.  One, for Kelsie's comfort and well-being.  And two, for strength and peace for Dennis and me.  I am so thankful for all of my praying friends and family.  You guys will never know how much I love and appreciate each of you.  As I'm trying to close this out, another song comes to mind (I'm sure you've noticed by now how much God uses music in my life :) ).  It's a song we used to sing at the church I went to with my mom growing up.  And the words may not be exactly right, but you'll get the point...

     I need the prayers of those I love
     To hold me up on wings of faith
    That I may walk the narrow way
    Held by our Father's glorious grace

    I need my friends to pray for me
    To bear my tempted soul above
    And intercede with God for me
    I need the prayers of those I love

I Will Carry You

I've had a song on my mind that I just wanted to share.  I recently read a book by Angie Smith, wife of singer Todd Smith of the Christian group Selah.  Angie and Todd had a daughter who was diagnosed with a fatal heart defect before birth, and Angie shares her story in her book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.  I really recommend it to anyone who is going through, or has gone through a similar situation.  I've read other books along these same lines, but Angie's faith in Christ is inspiring.  Also, while she is strong in her faith, she also shares the struggles she had concerning her faith.  Many people think that because we are believers, we should be strong all the time.  And while I have found a strength in God that I could never make it through all of this without, I also struggle daily.  Many days, it's hard to find the words to pray.  It's hard to get up and go about my daily business and act like my heart isn't shattered.  But He gives me the strength to carry on.  Someone told me a few weeks ago, when I was at a point where I felt like I just couldn't hardly make it through each day without breaking apart, that I seemed to have really grown in my faith over the previous few weeks.  And I just felt like laughing because I felt like I was doing worse than ever.  But then when talking to another friend about it, she reminded me that the fact that I had survived those weeks where I was at my lowest showed that He was keeping me strong and that my faith was growing.  I was leaning on Him and depending on Him to keep me going.  I'm so thankful that even when I feel my worst, the Lord is constantly carrying me.  And I am so incredibly thankful and blessed that He has chosen me to carry one of his precious miracles. 

So back to Angie...she wrote a song, along with her husband and a friend of theirs, that Selah sings.  It is called I Will Carry You.  It's really hard to describe the song, so I'll just share the lyrics.

          There were photographs I wanted to take
          Things I wanted to show you
          Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
          Who could love you like this?
          People say that I am brave but I'm not
          Truth is I'm barely hanging on
          But there's a greater story
          Written long before me
          Because He loves you like this

          So I will carry you
          While your heart beats here
          Long beyond the empty cradle
          Through the coming years
          I will carry you
          All my life
          And I will praise the One who's chosen me
          To carry you

          Such a short time
          Such a long road
          All this madness
          But I know
          That the silence
          Has brought me to His voice
          And He says

          I've shown her photographs of time beginning
          Walked her through the parted seas
          Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
          Who could love her like this?

          I will carry you
         While your heart beats here
         Long beyond the empty cradle
         Through the coming years
         I will carry you
        All your life
        And I will praise the One who's chosen me
        To carry you.

Not much more to that I can add.  Will update soon.  We have a dr's appt this afternoon.  Prayers much appreciated!  Love ya'll!

Good Day Filled With Blessings

Yesterday we had scheduled to attempt to do a 4D ultrasound.  The doctor and u/s techs were very skeptical about how much we would actually be able to see since u/s depend on fluid to be able to see well.  But...despite the lack of fluid and a shy/stubborn baby girl who kept one hand and one foot in front of her face most of the time, we did get some pretty good shots.  I am so thankful!  Maybe these will post like they're supposed too.  It's my first time to post pics on here, so we'll see :)  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  We love ya'll!

Side profile

Maybe a singer in our future?  Look at that open mouth!

                                                            Hand in front of her mouth

                                                                       So sweet!

               Curled in a ball...notice the hand on one side of her face and her foot on the other side:)

A Little More Info

So I know in the first posts I was still somewhat vague about Kelsie's condition and what we are dealing with.  It is difficult to talk about, but my hope is that maybe by talking I can help another family who has to deal with the same thing.  Right now, there's very little research to be found that's any help at all.  Most of the information I have found has come from other parents' blogs.  Kelsie has been diagnosed with an enlarged heart, which is somewhat common.  But doctors also believe she has the most severe form of Potter/Potter's Syndrome which is called Bilateral (both sides) Renal (kidneys) Agenesis (lack of formation/malformation) -BRA.  This form of Potter's is almost always fatal because the lack of kidneys causes the lack of fluid.  The lack of fluid, even if dialysis and a kidney transplant were possible after birth, causes the lungs to be very underdeveloped.  Most babies with Potter's who do make it to live delivery, usually do not live for longer than a few minutes to a few hours after birth due to basically being unable to get enough air.  That being said, we had two choices at the time of diagnosis...continue on with the pregnancy and just wait things out...or terminate.  A decision I never could have imagined I would have to make.  Thankfully Dennis and I had talked about circumstances such as this before we ever decided to start a family and were in agreement from the beginning.  It was not our decision.  God had blessed us with this precious life.  Although we don't understand why Kelsie faces the problems she does, and we hurt for her and for ourselves...her life is His life...not ours.  Also, we have been very blessed with doctors who support us in our decision.  Both my OB and the perinatologist told us that those were our options, but that if we decided we wanted to terminate, they would refer us to another doctor who would work with us.  I am so thankful to have good Christian doctors who are working with me instead of pressuring me to do something that I could never do.  Yes, it is incredibly hard to go through this pregnancy knowing that I might never get to meet my precious little girl...knowing that doctors are giving us basically a fatal prognosis.  And I know a lot of people won't understand our decision.  But for us, Kelsie is a gift.  One of God's children.  And her life matters, regardless of how long she is with us.  She is a miracle and has been since the day she was concieved.  God has a plan for her and for us...it's just really hard to see right now.  But I know He has one.  I just pray daily for the strength and grace to stay strong and make the right decisions regarding Kelsie's delivery and care.  We spoke with one of the neonatologists at FGH this week.  And while he was kind, he wasn't very encouraging.  At the mention of Potter's, he automatically started talking about making Kelsie as comfortable as possible...a very hard thing to hear when you keep hoping and praying that someone will see something different and give you a better outlook.  So for the moment, it's day by day, hour by hour.  The plan at the moment is to make it as far as we can (hopefully about 38-39 weeks) and induce for a live birth.  At birth the neonatologist will evaluate Kelsie and determine whether the doctors' diagnosis is correct or not.  If they're wrong (the miracle we're praying for!), then he will do what he can to help her.  But if they're not, he said we will not be forced to take drastic steps that will only cause her pain and won't help in the long run.  He said they will be there to make sure that she is comfortable and not in any pain.  Thankfully, he said that babies with Potter's do not seem to suffer any pain.  And that is my prayer...that if we can't keep her, then the moments we have with her do not cause her any suffering.

We go in on the 23rd for a 4D u/s.  Although I'm terrified of what more they might see, I am excited to be able to see my little girl better than we have so far.  Will try to post pics if she cooperates.  She seems to be a little like her mama and daddy...stubborn :)  Until next time...     

From Then to Now

Fast forward to August 2011.  I decided I couldn't go back to the doctor I had been seeing.  I just didn't feel like he cared about finding out why we had trouble getting pregnant or what could be the cause of our miscarriage.  So after much prayer and talking with a friend, I switched doctors.  This ended up being one of the best decisions I could have made.  During my first visit, the new doctor automatically started trying to figure out what could be wrong.  She wanted to run some tests to see if I could have an endocrine problem with my ovaries.  We were devastated because, if that were the case, there was nothing she could do to fix the problem.  I went home and cried for a while and then started praying.  I prayed that the test would turn out ok...that it would be possible for us to have children.  I told God that He knew the desires of my heart and that that was what I was still begging Him for.  But I also asked Him to show me whether that was His plan or not.  I asked Him to give me the strength and grace to accept His answer if the answer was no because He knew that was not going to be easy for me.  The next day, my prayer was answered!  My ovaries were fine!  And amazingly, about a week and a half later, I got pregnant!  This pregnancy started from the beginning as an emotional rollercoaster.  It's taken a lot of faith to just try to enjoy being pregnant and not worry all the time.  And now we're being tested even more. 

Two days before Christmas, we could barely contain our excitement...we were going in for our anatomy ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or girl!  Dennis and I had looked forward to this day for a really long time.  My mom and sister were coming with us, but my mom got sick and had to miss the appt.  I made sure they knew we wanted a DVD so that I could take it back and share with everyone.  The ultrasound I thought started out good, but of course, being my first u/s that far along, I didn't really know what I was looking at.  I just knew that the heartbeat was good.  But after a few minutes, it was obvious something was wrong.  The u/s tech asked if I had been leaking fluid and said she had some concerns.  She called my doctor in, and she shattered our world.  She said that there was very little fluid, which meant that it was possible our baby was not developing kidneys.  She also was concerned because the baby's heart seemed to be enlarged.  We also were not able to find out the sex of the baby because there was so little fluid, the placenta was tight around the baby.  She wanted to send us to a perinatologist in Jackson the next morning to confirm what she saw.  We definitely wanted a second opinion because she was basically telling us our baby had a potentially fatal diagnosis.  That night went by in a daze.  The next morning we met my mom and sister and headed to Jackson, praying that the diagnosis would be different...that my doctor would be wrong.  The pouring down rain and thunderstorms we faced along the ride just intensified my nervousness.  The tech and doctor were nice and compassionate, but an hour long u/s and a very sore belly later, they didn't have anything different to say.  The doctor would not give me a number...a percent chance our little one would have of surviving.  All he could say was that he was sorry.  Our sweet baby has an enlarged heart and isn't developing kidneys.  The lack of kidneys/fluid mean that the baby's lungs will have trouble developing as well. 

We went back home and tried to process everything.  We had an appt set up with my doctor back here in Hattiesburg in two weeks...what a long wait!  Way too long to wait to find out if your baby still has a heartbeat.  So she has started seeing us once a week.  She has also done two more u/s since then, and they were finally able to see...we're having a girl!  Such a bittersweet thought.  Baby Kelsie is such a fighter.  My doctor looked me in the eye and told me that she rarely tells anyone there's no chance, but in a case like ours, she's never seen a survivor.  But sweet Kelsie is still fighting.  Our world has been completely turned upside down.  Living week to week just waiting to hear a heartbeat has really taken a toll on us.  And the thought of preparing for what is supposed to be the most joyous occasion while knowing that it could quite possibly be the most heartwrenching we could ever experience has really weighed on us.  There are major decisions to make that no parent should ever have to make.  And while I don't understand it, and I struggle daily, I also know that my God is a worker of miracles.  If it is His will, we'll have a precious baby girl to bring home.  And if it's not, He'll give us the strength to make it through this time (so easy to say, so hard to live).  For now, we are taking things day by day, hour by hour, trying to enjoy the time we have with Kelsie, whether it be a couple of minutes, hours, days  or years.  We ask that you keep us in your prayers.  We are praying for a miracle for our sweet baby girl, but I also pray that no matter what, God will use us and baby Kelsie to reach someone for Him.  I pray that He uses her sweet little life for His work, regardless of how long her precious life is.  I also ask that you pray for strength and wisdom for Dennis and me.  I've had a song on my mind a lot lately that really states how I am trying to deal with all of this.  It is sung by Kerrie Roberts and is called "No Matter What."  The main chorus says "No matter what, I'm gonna love You.  No matter what.  I'm gonna need You.  I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I'll trust You...No Matter What."  

Where Do I Begin?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2.  Little did I know three years ago when Dennis and I decided we wanted to start a family, these words would become such a comfort to me.  We were married in 2006, and after two years of marriage, we decided it was time for something more.  We were ready to start a family.  The only things I ever really wanted out of life was to get married and have a family of my own.  I couldn't have cared less about the car, the job, the house, etc.  I just wanted a family.  So after a frustrating year and a half of trying to get pregnant with no success, you can imagine our disappointment.  I decided to talk to my doctor to see if he could shed any light on what potential problems we might be facing.  He wasn't very interested, but he did say he could put me on meds to help "regulate" my body or he could put me on Chlomid, a fertility drug.  We decided that we would go with the first option, which meant I would have to take a pregnancy test each month before I took the meds.  The doctor went ahead and did the first test there at the clinic that day, expecting to call me the next day with a negative result and a prescription for the meds.  So of course we were completely bowled over when he call the next day with the news...we were pregnant!  We couldn't believe it...such a wild mixture of emotions flowed that day.  Excited, scared, joyful, and most of all, thankful.  Finally, the day we had been praying for had come.  He brought me in for an ultrasound the next day, and we were measuring at 7 weeks with a good heartbeat!  Wow, what a surprise!  Little did I know that our world would be rocked again in just a few short weeks, and this time it wouldn't be with excitement.  At ten weeks, we went in for a regular checkup.  I wasn't feeling great and really felt like something was wrong.  My doctor did the usual doppler search for a heartbeat but couldn't find one.  However, that early on, it's possible that you just can't hear it, and so he disregarded my uneasiness as just me being a young naive woman who didn't know anything about being pregnant.  He sent us home and scheduled us to come back in a month.  That was in December.  On January 15, I woke up and automatically knew something was wrong.  I called for an emergency appt, and an ultrasound confirmed my worst fears.  Our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  I was supposed to have been 13 weeks at the time, but the ultrasound showed that the baby only made it til about 9 weeks.  This confirmed what I had feared three weeks earlier when I told the doctor I didn't feel right...I felt like something was wrong.  The next day, my husband rushed me to the hospital because we were afraid I was hemmoraging.  I miscarried my precious little angel and went home with empty arms.  Never had I ever imagined that someone could hurt so badly, both emotionally and mentally.  It was at this time in my life that I learned to lean on my family, friends, and most of all God.  During the hardest time of my life, when you would think I would turn away from Him, was when He comforted and strengthened me the most.  A sweet friend of mine was there from day one, offering encouragement and strength because she herself had been through the same thing twice before.  It was she who reminded me that God understood my pain because He Himself gave up His only Son.  It was also this same friend who reminded me just the other day that I am being "held" by God just as Natalie Grant sings in her song "Held."  Of course there have been many, many days where I have struggled.  I have questioned "Why, God? Why us?  Why my baby?"  The past couple of weeks have been especially rough, but I am just holding on to my faith.  I know that He is holding my precious angel in His arms and he/she is happy at home in Heaven.  I also know that He has a plan for each of us.  I don't have any idea what that plan is.  I just pray that He give me the guidance and the strength to do His will and follow in His steps.  And the peace and strength to accept when things don't go my way, and the gratitude to be thankful for what I do have. 

I know this has been long.  And it's only half the story lol.  I will finish the third section and schedule these first three posts to post at the same time.  Thank you for following us on this journey.  I pray that our story and our babies' lives will touch others and somehow make a difference for someone.  Until next time...   

Hi!

Writing a blog...something I never in a million years would have thought I would be doing.  I'm typically a pretty private person, but sometimes things happen that make you wander away from the normal way of things.  Writing this blog has been on my heart for some time now.  I've debated for a couple of weeks about whether I really felt like this was something I should do.  I've had a couple of sweet friends who have suggested and encouraged that I start writing, and last Sunday, my preacher unknowingly gave me my answer.  He made a profound statement during his sermon (without knowing about my debate, might I add)..."Hiding your story is hiding God's glory."  Wow...talk about speaking straight to the heart.  So here goes.  Please bear with me, as the difficult days we've been through and the uncertain future we're facing are sometimes difficult to put into words.  My prayer is that, through the words God is giving me, He will touch others' lives with our story.  I pray that sharing the difficult times we are dealing with might one day help another family who is touched with a similar situation, or that someone will read our story and see that there is always hope in the Lord.  As you follow our story, I ask for your prayers.  There are times when I feel that I just can't find the words for myself, and it is a comfort to know that there are others out there who are lifting us up.  Thank you all for your love and support as Dennis and I continue on this uncertain journey.