Where Do I Begin?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2.  Little did I know three years ago when Dennis and I decided we wanted to start a family, these words would become such a comfort to me.  We were married in 2006, and after two years of marriage, we decided it was time for something more.  We were ready to start a family.  The only things I ever really wanted out of life was to get married and have a family of my own.  I couldn't have cared less about the car, the job, the house, etc.  I just wanted a family.  So after a frustrating year and a half of trying to get pregnant with no success, you can imagine our disappointment.  I decided to talk to my doctor to see if he could shed any light on what potential problems we might be facing.  He wasn't very interested, but he did say he could put me on meds to help "regulate" my body or he could put me on Chlomid, a fertility drug.  We decided that we would go with the first option, which meant I would have to take a pregnancy test each month before I took the meds.  The doctor went ahead and did the first test there at the clinic that day, expecting to call me the next day with a negative result and a prescription for the meds.  So of course we were completely bowled over when he call the next day with the news...we were pregnant!  We couldn't believe it...such a wild mixture of emotions flowed that day.  Excited, scared, joyful, and most of all, thankful.  Finally, the day we had been praying for had come.  He brought me in for an ultrasound the next day, and we were measuring at 7 weeks with a good heartbeat!  Wow, what a surprise!  Little did I know that our world would be rocked again in just a few short weeks, and this time it wouldn't be with excitement.  At ten weeks, we went in for a regular checkup.  I wasn't feeling great and really felt like something was wrong.  My doctor did the usual doppler search for a heartbeat but couldn't find one.  However, that early on, it's possible that you just can't hear it, and so he disregarded my uneasiness as just me being a young naive woman who didn't know anything about being pregnant.  He sent us home and scheduled us to come back in a month.  That was in December.  On January 15, I woke up and automatically knew something was wrong.  I called for an emergency appt, and an ultrasound confirmed my worst fears.  Our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  I was supposed to have been 13 weeks at the time, but the ultrasound showed that the baby only made it til about 9 weeks.  This confirmed what I had feared three weeks earlier when I told the doctor I didn't feel right...I felt like something was wrong.  The next day, my husband rushed me to the hospital because we were afraid I was hemmoraging.  I miscarried my precious little angel and went home with empty arms.  Never had I ever imagined that someone could hurt so badly, both emotionally and mentally.  It was at this time in my life that I learned to lean on my family, friends, and most of all God.  During the hardest time of my life, when you would think I would turn away from Him, was when He comforted and strengthened me the most.  A sweet friend of mine was there from day one, offering encouragement and strength because she herself had been through the same thing twice before.  It was she who reminded me that God understood my pain because He Himself gave up His only Son.  It was also this same friend who reminded me just the other day that I am being "held" by God just as Natalie Grant sings in her song "Held."  Of course there have been many, many days where I have struggled.  I have questioned "Why, God? Why us?  Why my baby?"  The past couple of weeks have been especially rough, but I am just holding on to my faith.  I know that He is holding my precious angel in His arms and he/she is happy at home in Heaven.  I also know that He has a plan for each of us.  I don't have any idea what that plan is.  I just pray that He give me the guidance and the strength to do His will and follow in His steps.  And the peace and strength to accept when things don't go my way, and the gratitude to be thankful for what I do have. 

I know this has been long.  And it's only half the story lol.  I will finish the third section and schedule these first three posts to post at the same time.  Thank you for following us on this journey.  I pray that our story and our babies' lives will touch others and somehow make a difference for someone.  Until next time...