Good Day Filled With Blessings

Yesterday we had scheduled to attempt to do a 4D ultrasound.  The doctor and u/s techs were very skeptical about how much we would actually be able to see since u/s depend on fluid to be able to see well.  But...despite the lack of fluid and a shy/stubborn baby girl who kept one hand and one foot in front of her face most of the time, we did get some pretty good shots.  I am so thankful!  Maybe these will post like they're supposed too.  It's my first time to post pics on here, so we'll see :)  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  We love ya'll!

Side profile

Maybe a singer in our future?  Look at that open mouth!

                                                            Hand in front of her mouth

                                                                       So sweet!

               Curled in a ball...notice the hand on one side of her face and her foot on the other side:)

A Little More Info

So I know in the first posts I was still somewhat vague about Kelsie's condition and what we are dealing with.  It is difficult to talk about, but my hope is that maybe by talking I can help another family who has to deal with the same thing.  Right now, there's very little research to be found that's any help at all.  Most of the information I have found has come from other parents' blogs.  Kelsie has been diagnosed with an enlarged heart, which is somewhat common.  But doctors also believe she has the most severe form of Potter/Potter's Syndrome which is called Bilateral (both sides) Renal (kidneys) Agenesis (lack of formation/malformation) -BRA.  This form of Potter's is almost always fatal because the lack of kidneys causes the lack of fluid.  The lack of fluid, even if dialysis and a kidney transplant were possible after birth, causes the lungs to be very underdeveloped.  Most babies with Potter's who do make it to live delivery, usually do not live for longer than a few minutes to a few hours after birth due to basically being unable to get enough air.  That being said, we had two choices at the time of diagnosis...continue on with the pregnancy and just wait things out...or terminate.  A decision I never could have imagined I would have to make.  Thankfully Dennis and I had talked about circumstances such as this before we ever decided to start a family and were in agreement from the beginning.  It was not our decision.  God had blessed us with this precious life.  Although we don't understand why Kelsie faces the problems she does, and we hurt for her and for ourselves...her life is His life...not ours.  Also, we have been very blessed with doctors who support us in our decision.  Both my OB and the perinatologist told us that those were our options, but that if we decided we wanted to terminate, they would refer us to another doctor who would work with us.  I am so thankful to have good Christian doctors who are working with me instead of pressuring me to do something that I could never do.  Yes, it is incredibly hard to go through this pregnancy knowing that I might never get to meet my precious little girl...knowing that doctors are giving us basically a fatal prognosis.  And I know a lot of people won't understand our decision.  But for us, Kelsie is a gift.  One of God's children.  And her life matters, regardless of how long she is with us.  She is a miracle and has been since the day she was concieved.  God has a plan for her and for us...it's just really hard to see right now.  But I know He has one.  I just pray daily for the strength and grace to stay strong and make the right decisions regarding Kelsie's delivery and care.  We spoke with one of the neonatologists at FGH this week.  And while he was kind, he wasn't very encouraging.  At the mention of Potter's, he automatically started talking about making Kelsie as comfortable as possible...a very hard thing to hear when you keep hoping and praying that someone will see something different and give you a better outlook.  So for the moment, it's day by day, hour by hour.  The plan at the moment is to make it as far as we can (hopefully about 38-39 weeks) and induce for a live birth.  At birth the neonatologist will evaluate Kelsie and determine whether the doctors' diagnosis is correct or not.  If they're wrong (the miracle we're praying for!), then he will do what he can to help her.  But if they're not, he said we will not be forced to take drastic steps that will only cause her pain and won't help in the long run.  He said they will be there to make sure that she is comfortable and not in any pain.  Thankfully, he said that babies with Potter's do not seem to suffer any pain.  And that is my prayer...that if we can't keep her, then the moments we have with her do not cause her any suffering.

We go in on the 23rd for a 4D u/s.  Although I'm terrified of what more they might see, I am excited to be able to see my little girl better than we have so far.  Will try to post pics if she cooperates.  She seems to be a little like her mama and daddy...stubborn :)  Until next time...     

From Then to Now

Fast forward to August 2011.  I decided I couldn't go back to the doctor I had been seeing.  I just didn't feel like he cared about finding out why we had trouble getting pregnant or what could be the cause of our miscarriage.  So after much prayer and talking with a friend, I switched doctors.  This ended up being one of the best decisions I could have made.  During my first visit, the new doctor automatically started trying to figure out what could be wrong.  She wanted to run some tests to see if I could have an endocrine problem with my ovaries.  We were devastated because, if that were the case, there was nothing she could do to fix the problem.  I went home and cried for a while and then started praying.  I prayed that the test would turn out ok...that it would be possible for us to have children.  I told God that He knew the desires of my heart and that that was what I was still begging Him for.  But I also asked Him to show me whether that was His plan or not.  I asked Him to give me the strength and grace to accept His answer if the answer was no because He knew that was not going to be easy for me.  The next day, my prayer was answered!  My ovaries were fine!  And amazingly, about a week and a half later, I got pregnant!  This pregnancy started from the beginning as an emotional rollercoaster.  It's taken a lot of faith to just try to enjoy being pregnant and not worry all the time.  And now we're being tested even more. 

Two days before Christmas, we could barely contain our excitement...we were going in for our anatomy ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or girl!  Dennis and I had looked forward to this day for a really long time.  My mom and sister were coming with us, but my mom got sick and had to miss the appt.  I made sure they knew we wanted a DVD so that I could take it back and share with everyone.  The ultrasound I thought started out good, but of course, being my first u/s that far along, I didn't really know what I was looking at.  I just knew that the heartbeat was good.  But after a few minutes, it was obvious something was wrong.  The u/s tech asked if I had been leaking fluid and said she had some concerns.  She called my doctor in, and she shattered our world.  She said that there was very little fluid, which meant that it was possible our baby was not developing kidneys.  She also was concerned because the baby's heart seemed to be enlarged.  We also were not able to find out the sex of the baby because there was so little fluid, the placenta was tight around the baby.  She wanted to send us to a perinatologist in Jackson the next morning to confirm what she saw.  We definitely wanted a second opinion because she was basically telling us our baby had a potentially fatal diagnosis.  That night went by in a daze.  The next morning we met my mom and sister and headed to Jackson, praying that the diagnosis would be different...that my doctor would be wrong.  The pouring down rain and thunderstorms we faced along the ride just intensified my nervousness.  The tech and doctor were nice and compassionate, but an hour long u/s and a very sore belly later, they didn't have anything different to say.  The doctor would not give me a number...a percent chance our little one would have of surviving.  All he could say was that he was sorry.  Our sweet baby has an enlarged heart and isn't developing kidneys.  The lack of kidneys/fluid mean that the baby's lungs will have trouble developing as well. 

We went back home and tried to process everything.  We had an appt set up with my doctor back here in Hattiesburg in two weeks...what a long wait!  Way too long to wait to find out if your baby still has a heartbeat.  So she has started seeing us once a week.  She has also done two more u/s since then, and they were finally able to see...we're having a girl!  Such a bittersweet thought.  Baby Kelsie is such a fighter.  My doctor looked me in the eye and told me that she rarely tells anyone there's no chance, but in a case like ours, she's never seen a survivor.  But sweet Kelsie is still fighting.  Our world has been completely turned upside down.  Living week to week just waiting to hear a heartbeat has really taken a toll on us.  And the thought of preparing for what is supposed to be the most joyous occasion while knowing that it could quite possibly be the most heartwrenching we could ever experience has really weighed on us.  There are major decisions to make that no parent should ever have to make.  And while I don't understand it, and I struggle daily, I also know that my God is a worker of miracles.  If it is His will, we'll have a precious baby girl to bring home.  And if it's not, He'll give us the strength to make it through this time (so easy to say, so hard to live).  For now, we are taking things day by day, hour by hour, trying to enjoy the time we have with Kelsie, whether it be a couple of minutes, hours, days  or years.  We ask that you keep us in your prayers.  We are praying for a miracle for our sweet baby girl, but I also pray that no matter what, God will use us and baby Kelsie to reach someone for Him.  I pray that He uses her sweet little life for His work, regardless of how long her precious life is.  I also ask that you pray for strength and wisdom for Dennis and me.  I've had a song on my mind a lot lately that really states how I am trying to deal with all of this.  It is sung by Kerrie Roberts and is called "No Matter What."  The main chorus says "No matter what, I'm gonna love You.  No matter what.  I'm gonna need You.  I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I'll trust You...No Matter What."  

Where Do I Begin?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2.  Little did I know three years ago when Dennis and I decided we wanted to start a family, these words would become such a comfort to me.  We were married in 2006, and after two years of marriage, we decided it was time for something more.  We were ready to start a family.  The only things I ever really wanted out of life was to get married and have a family of my own.  I couldn't have cared less about the car, the job, the house, etc.  I just wanted a family.  So after a frustrating year and a half of trying to get pregnant with no success, you can imagine our disappointment.  I decided to talk to my doctor to see if he could shed any light on what potential problems we might be facing.  He wasn't very interested, but he did say he could put me on meds to help "regulate" my body or he could put me on Chlomid, a fertility drug.  We decided that we would go with the first option, which meant I would have to take a pregnancy test each month before I took the meds.  The doctor went ahead and did the first test there at the clinic that day, expecting to call me the next day with a negative result and a prescription for the meds.  So of course we were completely bowled over when he call the next day with the news...we were pregnant!  We couldn't believe it...such a wild mixture of emotions flowed that day.  Excited, scared, joyful, and most of all, thankful.  Finally, the day we had been praying for had come.  He brought me in for an ultrasound the next day, and we were measuring at 7 weeks with a good heartbeat!  Wow, what a surprise!  Little did I know that our world would be rocked again in just a few short weeks, and this time it wouldn't be with excitement.  At ten weeks, we went in for a regular checkup.  I wasn't feeling great and really felt like something was wrong.  My doctor did the usual doppler search for a heartbeat but couldn't find one.  However, that early on, it's possible that you just can't hear it, and so he disregarded my uneasiness as just me being a young naive woman who didn't know anything about being pregnant.  He sent us home and scheduled us to come back in a month.  That was in December.  On January 15, I woke up and automatically knew something was wrong.  I called for an emergency appt, and an ultrasound confirmed my worst fears.  Our sweet baby had no heartbeat.  I was supposed to have been 13 weeks at the time, but the ultrasound showed that the baby only made it til about 9 weeks.  This confirmed what I had feared three weeks earlier when I told the doctor I didn't feel right...I felt like something was wrong.  The next day, my husband rushed me to the hospital because we were afraid I was hemmoraging.  I miscarried my precious little angel and went home with empty arms.  Never had I ever imagined that someone could hurt so badly, both emotionally and mentally.  It was at this time in my life that I learned to lean on my family, friends, and most of all God.  During the hardest time of my life, when you would think I would turn away from Him, was when He comforted and strengthened me the most.  A sweet friend of mine was there from day one, offering encouragement and strength because she herself had been through the same thing twice before.  It was she who reminded me that God understood my pain because He Himself gave up His only Son.  It was also this same friend who reminded me just the other day that I am being "held" by God just as Natalie Grant sings in her song "Held."  Of course there have been many, many days where I have struggled.  I have questioned "Why, God? Why us?  Why my baby?"  The past couple of weeks have been especially rough, but I am just holding on to my faith.  I know that He is holding my precious angel in His arms and he/she is happy at home in Heaven.  I also know that He has a plan for each of us.  I don't have any idea what that plan is.  I just pray that He give me the guidance and the strength to do His will and follow in His steps.  And the peace and strength to accept when things don't go my way, and the gratitude to be thankful for what I do have. 

I know this has been long.  And it's only half the story lol.  I will finish the third section and schedule these first three posts to post at the same time.  Thank you for following us on this journey.  I pray that our story and our babies' lives will touch others and somehow make a difference for someone.  Until next time...   

Hi!

Writing a blog...something I never in a million years would have thought I would be doing.  I'm typically a pretty private person, but sometimes things happen that make you wander away from the normal way of things.  Writing this blog has been on my heart for some time now.  I've debated for a couple of weeks about whether I really felt like this was something I should do.  I've had a couple of sweet friends who have suggested and encouraged that I start writing, and last Sunday, my preacher unknowingly gave me my answer.  He made a profound statement during his sermon (without knowing about my debate, might I add)..."Hiding your story is hiding God's glory."  Wow...talk about speaking straight to the heart.  So here goes.  Please bear with me, as the difficult days we've been through and the uncertain future we're facing are sometimes difficult to put into words.  My prayer is that, through the words God is giving me, He will touch others' lives with our story.  I pray that sharing the difficult times we are dealing with might one day help another family who is touched with a similar situation, or that someone will read our story and see that there is always hope in the Lord.  As you follow our story, I ask for your prayers.  There are times when I feel that I just can't find the words for myself, and it is a comfort to know that there are others out there who are lifting us up.  Thank you all for your love and support as Dennis and I continue on this uncertain journey.