So I guess maybe you guys will get an update from me every few months lol. I know I promised to try to update more often, but life is just crazy! I really am trying to slow down though, and really take time to listen for God's direction in my life. I have started trying to step back from some of the bigger things that I have thrown myself into the past few years that I've used to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't have to really "deal" with life and all that has happened. So that I wouldn't have to think about things. But the problem with not facing your troubles is that it doesn't make them magically go away. They're still there...waiting for you to slow down enough that they can catch back up to you. So I'm slowing down and trying to work my way through a lot of the things that I've been hung up on. And it's amazing the things that have come about since I've purposely made myself quit running so much and asked God to show me His will for certain areas of my life. And to help me be ok and content with what His plans are for me, even if they're no where near what I thought I wanted.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that all I ever truly wanted out of life was to be a mom. I've loved children all my life, and the only thing that ever mattered to me was to have kids of my own to love and raise. And for the past few years, the possibility of that never becoming a reality has been a very bitter pill to swallow. And one that I refused to even try to accept for the longest time. But God has shown me recently that the truth is that He did give me what I wanted. He gave me Kelsey. He allowed me to be a mother. No, I don't get to raise Kelsey, but I did get to love him. I did get to hold him and kiss him. And nothing can ever take that away from me. And while I still miss him everyday, and I would give anything to hold him again, I finally have a peace about everything. I can finally just be thankful for and cherish the time that I got to carry Kelsey and love him. The last two and a half years have been the most difficult of my life, and there have been some really dark days. To be completely honest, only my mom probably knows just how dark some of those days got, and sometimes I'm not sure that even she had a complete idea. There were some really desperate times, and I am just so thankful that God kept holding on to me and didn't let me go. He is so merciful it's overwhelming! I know I am so undeserving of His grace and love. Yet He loves me anyway.
I really have no clue what my future holds as far as having other children. I would still love to have another child. It's even still physically possible, as far as I know. We know that I can get pregnant, and we know that I can carry a baby. But God's been working on me, and for the first time in my life, I have a peace about it all. I understand that maybe God has other plans for me that I just can't see yet. I never in a million years thought I would ever be able to even think those thoughts, much less speak them out loud or write them down. But He has been gracious and merciful to me and given me His "peace that passes all understanding". And it definitely does pass it all, because I cannot explain it. I just know that over the past few weeks, I've dealt with a precious child in my class who, for most of his short little life, has had to live in a nightmare. I've dealt with a teenage girl who has lived in circumstances most of us couldn't imagine dealing with as adults, much less as kids. And I've spent a lot of time holding the absolute most precious baby boy who belongs to a sweet friend of mine. And through each of these beautiful little lives, God has shown me that, regardless of what I thought my plans were, He has a bigger plan for me than I could have ever imagined. And while I don't know what His ultimate plan is, I know that whether I am ever able to bring home a child of my own or not, there will always be more out there who need someone to love them. I was showing a friend of mine some pictures the other day of one of my church babies, and he said something about me having a lot of kids. And he's right...I do have a lot of kids. I have my school babies, my church babies, and my angel babies. So while I am not giving up the hope of having a child of my own to raise, I am honestly able to say for the first time in my life, that I am ok with the possibility that that might not happen. I know to many of you, that will sound like crazy talk coming from me, but it's the truth. I just cannot explain how God has lifted that burden from me over the past few weeks and helped me to truly be at peace with everything that has happened.
My sweet friend sang a song this past Sunday called "Heal the Wound". It was actually the first song I sang as a special at church, and I sang it after I had my miscarriage. It talks about wanting God to heal our wounds but leave the scars behind as a reminder of how merciful He is and how far He has brought us. I can finally say that God has healed the deepest wound of my heart. I am at peace over Kelsey. And I am thankful for my scars, both physically and emotionally. I am thankful that he left me the reminders of what I've been through and where I've been. And I pray that they remain so that I never forget that I didn't make it to this point on my own. He has been there the whole time, even when I was unfaithful, unbelieving. He stayed with me and carried me through it all. I pray that anyone reading this will receive this message and know that Jesus loves you. Even when you try to run. Even when you don't listen. He loves you and wants to be there for you. All you have to do is trust Him. Let Him carry you through your burdens. Just let go and let God.
I love all of you and truly appreciate all the love and support you have all sent my way over the past few years. I am grateful that God put so many wonderful people in my life to see me through the tough times. I am truly blessed.
