From Then to Now

Fast forward to August 2011.  I decided I couldn't go back to the doctor I had been seeing.  I just didn't feel like he cared about finding out why we had trouble getting pregnant or what could be the cause of our miscarriage.  So after much prayer and talking with a friend, I switched doctors.  This ended up being one of the best decisions I could have made.  During my first visit, the new doctor automatically started trying to figure out what could be wrong.  She wanted to run some tests to see if I could have an endocrine problem with my ovaries.  We were devastated because, if that were the case, there was nothing she could do to fix the problem.  I went home and cried for a while and then started praying.  I prayed that the test would turn out ok...that it would be possible for us to have children.  I told God that He knew the desires of my heart and that that was what I was still begging Him for.  But I also asked Him to show me whether that was His plan or not.  I asked Him to give me the strength and grace to accept His answer if the answer was no because He knew that was not going to be easy for me.  The next day, my prayer was answered!  My ovaries were fine!  And amazingly, about a week and a half later, I got pregnant!  This pregnancy started from the beginning as an emotional rollercoaster.  It's taken a lot of faith to just try to enjoy being pregnant and not worry all the time.  And now we're being tested even more. 

Two days before Christmas, we could barely contain our excitement...we were going in for our anatomy ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or girl!  Dennis and I had looked forward to this day for a really long time.  My mom and sister were coming with us, but my mom got sick and had to miss the appt.  I made sure they knew we wanted a DVD so that I could take it back and share with everyone.  The ultrasound I thought started out good, but of course, being my first u/s that far along, I didn't really know what I was looking at.  I just knew that the heartbeat was good.  But after a few minutes, it was obvious something was wrong.  The u/s tech asked if I had been leaking fluid and said she had some concerns.  She called my doctor in, and she shattered our world.  She said that there was very little fluid, which meant that it was possible our baby was not developing kidneys.  She also was concerned because the baby's heart seemed to be enlarged.  We also were not able to find out the sex of the baby because there was so little fluid, the placenta was tight around the baby.  She wanted to send us to a perinatologist in Jackson the next morning to confirm what she saw.  We definitely wanted a second opinion because she was basically telling us our baby had a potentially fatal diagnosis.  That night went by in a daze.  The next morning we met my mom and sister and headed to Jackson, praying that the diagnosis would be different...that my doctor would be wrong.  The pouring down rain and thunderstorms we faced along the ride just intensified my nervousness.  The tech and doctor were nice and compassionate, but an hour long u/s and a very sore belly later, they didn't have anything different to say.  The doctor would not give me a number...a percent chance our little one would have of surviving.  All he could say was that he was sorry.  Our sweet baby has an enlarged heart and isn't developing kidneys.  The lack of kidneys/fluid mean that the baby's lungs will have trouble developing as well. 

We went back home and tried to process everything.  We had an appt set up with my doctor back here in Hattiesburg in two weeks...what a long wait!  Way too long to wait to find out if your baby still has a heartbeat.  So she has started seeing us once a week.  She has also done two more u/s since then, and they were finally able to see...we're having a girl!  Such a bittersweet thought.  Baby Kelsie is such a fighter.  My doctor looked me in the eye and told me that she rarely tells anyone there's no chance, but in a case like ours, she's never seen a survivor.  But sweet Kelsie is still fighting.  Our world has been completely turned upside down.  Living week to week just waiting to hear a heartbeat has really taken a toll on us.  And the thought of preparing for what is supposed to be the most joyous occasion while knowing that it could quite possibly be the most heartwrenching we could ever experience has really weighed on us.  There are major decisions to make that no parent should ever have to make.  And while I don't understand it, and I struggle daily, I also know that my God is a worker of miracles.  If it is His will, we'll have a precious baby girl to bring home.  And if it's not, He'll give us the strength to make it through this time (so easy to say, so hard to live).  For now, we are taking things day by day, hour by hour, trying to enjoy the time we have with Kelsie, whether it be a couple of minutes, hours, days  or years.  We ask that you keep us in your prayers.  We are praying for a miracle for our sweet baby girl, but I also pray that no matter what, God will use us and baby Kelsie to reach someone for Him.  I pray that He uses her sweet little life for His work, regardless of how long her precious life is.  I also ask that you pray for strength and wisdom for Dennis and me.  I've had a song on my mind a lot lately that really states how I am trying to deal with all of this.  It is sung by Kerrie Roberts and is called "No Matter What."  The main chorus says "No matter what, I'm gonna love You.  No matter what.  I'm gonna need You.  I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I'll trust You...No Matter What."