One Week

Wow.  It's so hard to believe it's been a whole week since our sweet Kelsey blessed us with his presence.  The days have been such a blur that I really don't even remember a lot about some of them.  I came home from the hospital on Thursday and began preparing for his service.  We had already decided we wanted a short, simple graveside service.  Right before we left the hospital, they gave us a small pine box for us to put him in when someone came to pick him up from the hospital, but I was not impressed at all with the box.  So we went to the office of the funeral home to look at what they had.  Not impressed there either...a worn-out looking white box or a small casket that looked awfully tacky with the colors they had combined together and wanted an outrageous amount of money for.  Now, I know ultimately it doesn't matter...he would never see it, and it would be put in the ground.  But this is my baby, and I wanted everything perfect.  So Dennis and I decided to keep the box from the hospital and paint it instead.  So Dennis headed home, and mom and I headed to find Kelsey an outfit (all I had were dresses :)), paint for the box, and material to fix up the inside of the box.  We took care of the outfit and the material and head to the paint section.  We had decided on a baby blue color, but I really was having trouble deciding on the exact color.  I finally picked one and walked around to the paint counter to have it mixed, when I noticed another set of color samples.  I picked one up that looked like it would be better than the one I had and almost lost my breath.  The name of the color was Sweet Baby Boy.  Just another sign that God is still by my side.  He hasn't left me.  So many times throughout this pregnancy, God has given me those little signs, from the perfect dress for KelsIE being on sale when we got to the register to Dennis and I being on the same page about practically everything to the florist actually having the daisies I wanted for the service on hand because she had just ordered them.  It has really been amazing to see just how much He cares and is watching over us...how involved He is in the little things. 

That evening, Dennis and I headed out to the shed to work on what would be the final thing we could ever provide for our baby.  Dennis sanded the box and painted two coats of the Sweet Baby Boy paint, and then I put a final coat on it.  I know it sounds crazy, but it was actually a peaceful time.  I think it really helped us to be able to do one more thing for Kelsey.  We are both very glad that is what we chose to do.  The box turned out beautiful.  Friday morning, Dennis and I took the box to my dad so he could pick Kelsey up from the hospital, and then we picked up his flowers.  We had set the time for 10:00 Friday morning, and we were almost late.  But honestly, I think walking up at the last minute was probably the best thing for us.  To have to stand around and dwell on what we were about to do I think would have just been unbearable.  Kelsey's service was beautiful.  God blessed us with a gorgeous day full of sunshine.  We had spoken with my preacher who knew we wanted a short service, so he began by reading the information about Kelsey's life, and then spoke a few words of scripture.  I don't think anyone could have picked a better verse to focus on.  "Then there were brought unto Him little children, that He should put His hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, Suffer (allow) little children, and forbid them not to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 19: 13-14  It helps my heart to know that my precious son is in the hands of the Lord.  He never knew pain or heartache.  He never knew the troubles of this world.  All he knew in this world was love.  It's those who are left behind who have the heartaches and troubles.  He is happy and content. 

After the preacher finished, we played the song "Held" that Natalie Grant sings.  I feel like this song is a part of my testimony.  I know that throughout all of this He has "held" me and never let me go. 

Two months is too little. They let him go. They had no sudden healing.
To think that Providence would take a child from his mother while she prayed is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be spared from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live? It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.  We want to taste it, and let the hatred numb our sorrows.  The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is want it means to be held.  How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive.  This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffereing.  If this only the beginning.  Can we not wait for one hour, watching for our Savior?

This is want it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means, to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

We are so thankful for the many friends and family that have shown us so much love and support.  Please continue to pray for us on this long road.  Dennis went back to work this week, and it's been hard being apart so soon.  I am very thankful for the couple of days that we had together after the service.  Where an experience like this might tear some people apart, our relationship has grown stronger.  He has been so strong for me, helping me keep my head and my focus instead of completely falling apart.  God knew what he was doing when he set us up working at the same place years ago :)  I am so blessed. 

I'll say goodbye for now...but not before I share the pictures I promised :)

Kelsey Nolan Keller

In Daddy's Hands...one of my favorites