So Long, Blue Toes!

Ok, so as promised on facebook...the explanation behind the blue vs. pink toes.  Those of you who know me best, know that my toe nails have been painted various shades of blue for about two and a half years now.  Actually pretty much anybody who is around me regularly probably knows that lol.  So here's why... I first painted my nails blue the week after we had Kelsey.  I guess just as kind of a tribute to him.  And it became a must have.  I guess it was just my way of keeping him near me.  Always having something on me that represented him.  I've tried and tried to change the color and each time just couldn't do it.  The thought of not having that symbol of him on me would literally send me into hysterics.  So for two and half years, my toe nails have been literally every shade of blue you can find (much to the dismay of my mom, I might add! lol She's much too traditional and conservative for blue toes :)  Love you mama!).  And even though I realized that blue isn't a very "professional" color and doesn't match much of anything, I didn't care.  I wore my blue with pride, because, regardless of what everyone else thought, I knew the reason behind it.  I knew what it meant for me.  But, as most of you know, God has really been working on me.  And on July 1, 2014, He truly broke my heart and woke me up.  Made me realize that while I've been "religious" most all my life, I wasn't SAVED.  I was just going through the motions.  I realized that I've been miserable.  I've talked a good game and put on a good show, but deep inside, I've been dying.  There's been no peace, especially regarding the loss of Kelsey.  I've had no power to overcome the depression I've been experiencing.  I haven't had the ability to truly be happy for others who get to hold their sweet babies.  I've been so lost.  But thank the Lord, He has set me free!  I have never felt the kind of peace that I have now.  Of course I still miss Kelsey terribly.  And there are days it still breaks me down.  But I have a true peace in knowing where He is and knowing that I will be in Heaven one day as well.  I have a peace that lets me know that it's ok to let go of the pain; it's ok to let God have it all to handle.  I sure wasn't handling it by myself anyway.  He's always been there, holding me up.  Giving me the strength to get up and go on, even when I felt like it was impossible.  And so, as one last "I'm giving it up to you Lord" move before I was baptized today, the blue toes are gone.  Not without quite a few tears and a near panic attack initially, but they're gone.  Because I know Kelsey is always with me in my heart.  It doesn't take a set of blue toes to prove that.  And most of all, Jesus is with me.  He always has been.  I've just taken way too long to let go and let Him have it all.  Thank God He is patient, because I've been hardheaded.  I am so thankful for and humbled by the fact that He loves me so much that He would hold on to me even through my disobedience, my unbelief.  He truly is good ALL the time!