A New Journey

I know it's been a long time since I posted. The past few months have been tough... Actually, at times it's seemed worse than when Kelsey left us. Going through the holidays, and even at times just the day to day life can be almost unbearable. You would think that the longer we go, the easier it would get, but that's just not the case. As Kelsey's first birthday approaches, I get more and more anxious...more uptight, as hard as I try not to. There are days when he is all I can think about. Sometimes that's a good thing...others it's not. Sometimes it's a day full of tears and longing and heartache. If I am honest with myself, and honest with you, I have to confess that there have been days where I've just wanted to give up. Not suicide...i don't believe in that. I've wanted to just pray for God to take me home. I've let myself go physically. Not eating right, not taking meds just like I should. I just haven't cared since we lost Kelsey. But I know that's just the human in me. And God keeps reminding me that I have a purpose here on this earth. That there are people here who love me and students who need me. So, starting today, I'm starting over. I realize that if we want to have another child, I need to take care of myself. I also know that God has a plan for me, even though it's hard to see right now. Things get pretty dark. Depression, yes I finally admitted it's there, is a dark, tiring place to be. Thankfully, when I feel like I'm going to completely drown, He rescues me. He gives me hope, and keeps me going. It is my prayer today that He will keep me going on this new journey to a healthier life...exercising, healthier eating, healthier relationships, and a stronger spiritual life. I share this with you to ask for your prayers and support. I have never been a fitness person or the most motivated in that area. I know it is going to take a lot of prayer and encouragement to stay on this journey. It is my hope that I can honor my God and my son through this endeavor. It terrifies me because I'm so afraid of failing. All past attempts have ended with just that...failure. But I know I have a precious little one and a loving Father looking down on me. Father, I pray for strength and peace. For endurance and motivation. I pray that you shine Your light through me for others to see. I've heard other angel mommies talk this week about the depression they're facing as well. Let me be a help to them Lord. This is a hard journey and a tough hand we've been dealt. Help us through it by your grace and mercy. Comfort us as only You can. Thank you for using my story to honor You and to honor my sweet Kelsey's short but oh so important life. I love You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
I can't promise it won't be a while before I post again. I never know when the mood/message will strike. So until then, please pray for us. Thank you all for being there for us. We love you!